Dreams

Dreams are fascinating things. My daughter and I dream in colour and remember them vividly. This is great for happy ones but with nightmares it would probably be better to forget them!
Anyway, of late the littlun has not been sleeping properly due to bad dreams and, although she is seeing the doctor about this, I decided to look into it myself.

Dream interpretation has been around for centuries! In ancient Egypt and Greece they believed it was a form of divine communication and had specific temples that dreamers attended to predict omens or cure sickness.

Medieval Islamic psychology suggest that some dreams may be true, some ran in families and others were false and meaningless. In 16th century China they also studied the dream phenomena.
As for Europe, one of the first men to examine interpretation was Thomas Browne in the 17th century but the area of study really took off in the 19th century with Sigmund Freud. He described dreams as the "disguised fulfilment of repressed wishes".

Carl Jung developed the Freud theory further by dividing dreams into 2 catergories. Objective, where people within represent themselves, and subjective, where the characters are actually a part of the dreamer's personality and not themselves.

Calvin Hall suggested that, in fact, they were manifestations of personal conceptions. For example, if you saw a cat in a dream it was telling you that there is more than one way to do something.

Nowadays you can get dream dictionaries and do-it-yourself books, like those written by Ann Faraday in the 70s. These tend to be very literal. So, failing an exam within a dream could mean you need to prepare better for those in your waking life.

Then during the 80s and 90s Wallace Clift and Jean Dalby Clift simply said that your dreams consist of events etc that are on your mind whilst awake.

The ideas of Professor Antti Revonsuo and Keith Stevens are very interesting. They both conclude that dreams are a practice run for real life in a way. You are basically rehearsing your instinctual reactions so, should events occur in the future, you know what to do.
Stevens also went on to say that our dreams are important to our development. Dreams of sex and relationships leave the desire to procreate etc whereas those that highlight your social or economic status either make you feel content with your life or incite the need to better yourself.

Now, I have had some bizarre dreams in my time but for a lot of them Freud makes sense. Lately in my dreams I have plenty of money and a big house. Enough said!

My neighbour literally found it hysterical when I told her the Islamic theory about dreams following a genetic path. However, I have personal experience of this.
Between the ages of 7 and 8 I had a recurring dream of 3 men standing at the end of my bed. They were black, wearing bright white suits with beaming white smiles but no eyes. Before anyone starts it's not a racist thing. I was not scared by them. Seeing them made me feel peace.
My younger brother had the exact same dream when he was around the same age. Ok, so it was slightly creepy and noone could figure out what the dream even meant.
Imagine my surprise when my daughter gets up one morning and tells me about the dream she had which was also exactly the same! Since then though I have come up with an explanation of sorts. I went back through my diaries to look at events happening around us at these times. For me, they lasted a year, during which time my grandads both passed away. My brother's occurred before and after the death of our nan and my daughter had these dreams before and after the death of my other nan. Not being deeply religious I am reluctant to call the figures angels, however, I do think that they were sent from somewhere both to prepare us for the loss and to give us peace afterwards.

I also agree with Stevens to an extent due to the fact that I did dream about being a mother beforehand and have had dreams of car accidents and fires etc where I have had to deal with the situation and protect my loved ones.

Anyway, I started this for my daughter but still can't really figure her out. Basically the main nightmare she has is being buried alive and having worms etc crawling over her while she is rotting away. Horrible, I know! Freud's theory doesn't fit and clearly this is not a life rehearsal. If you listen to Jung then it would suggest that she has homicidal tendencies! That's ridiculous. Going by the work of Hill it could imply lack of trust in her family that we would let that happen to her. Obviously, I hope this is not the case.
The doctor and myself agree that she is very fearful of death, in general, both her own and other people's. We are working with her on this. Also, it seems she feels lonely much of the time. Despite being surrounded by family and friends, she is an only child and did have an imaginary friend when she was younger. She treats her teddies etc like living entities a lot of the time too. She told the doctor in her latest visit that she didn't want to die alone.

After my research and the discussion with my baby's doctor I think that she can't dissociate her life from her dreams therefore worries about it even when she's awake. It's horrendous really considering she is so young. I suppose that the fact that her dad is older may increase the thoughts of death and loss but, in all honesty, I really don't know.

Broken

Writing my last blog post was really tough but it has made me realise that I need to act. Having suffered from depression in the past I recognise the signs and they don't bode well.

The last time was brutal. Even now I have no idea why that started! I had actually just begun treatment when my partner left us. I did not see it coming so the whole situation knocked me for 6. So whilst his going was not the initial cause it made everything 10 times worse.

All of sudden I was a single parent and had no money as my partner had total control of the finances. Luckily I was working and managed to arrange tax credits etc but it was Christmas and my family had all gone to my Auntie's in the Midlands. Therefore, I couldn't pay the bills or buy food etc and was all alone.

Worst of all he had waited until I was at Christingle with our daughter to write a letter and leave. Christmas day was horrendous trying to pretend for our daughter's sake. It later came to light that practically everyone we knew had been aware he was seeing someone else but kept it from me. I felt isolated, betrayed and my self-esteem took a real battering.

The woman he left me for had actually slept with my best friend's husband 2 years earlier and was a horrid person. She would send texts and voicemails saying awful things and my partner made things very difficult also.

I did see someone else for a while but he decided that my birthday was a good time to dump me. The reason he gave was that he hated my daughter! That was the most hurtful thing about it all really. Then in the Autumn I lost my job. When events keep pushing you down it is incredibly difficult to keep fighting and claw yourself out of that hole.

However, I did get there in the end. You can't imagine the satisfaction of being taken off anti-depressants and going to your last counselling session.
When my partner moved back in and immediately cheated again I initially resorted to drinking. Then realised that I had to put my foot down and take control. Things with him aren't ideal but are ok now.

They say money doesn't buy happiness but that's rubbish! I would be euphoric if I could afford to heat my house. I would love to start Christmas shopping but I need to wait until I can get a Provident loan! My car needs an MOT in December and needs so much work doing.

My landlady is being a nightmare lately and keeps moaning at me but I only get money once a fortnight so there's nothing I can do to pay her quicker. It's a situation I can do nothing about.

My baby isn't sleeping due to bad dreams and is seeing a specialist about that. I have tried to deal with it but nothing has worked. So now I feel terribly guilty about that.

As an intelligent person, not having anything to do all day is not a good thing. I need to be doing something! Easier said than done though. Most of the time when I apply for jobs I don't even get a reply. This is not the recipe for happiness when you already have self-confidence issues.

So, you see, I know what my problems are but I can't fix them. I am not insane!

My trip to the doctor today was ridiculous. Apparently I have no reason to be depressed because I have a lovely daughter. Clearly I love her and she is amazing but sadly there are things in life that no amount of love and cuddles can fix.

It's not entirely the fault of the doctor though, since so many people claim to be depressed nowadays. I am worried about the stigma surrounding mental illness but I am not going to be ashamed. Real depression is serious but does not go hand in hand with being suicidal. Personally I would never do that.

I think that maybe if I explain it people would understand and not be so flippant. Getting up every morning is a chore yet it's not laziness. It's just the pure lack of any motivation. I force myself as I have a little girl who relies on me. However, I am tired. I never feel hungry anymore. I find it impossible to really care what I look like. It is as if you are totally detached from the world. Your body is going through  the necessary daily routine but your consciousness is hiding away somewhere. Crying is one thing I hate. It's a weakness. I am not weak.
All the people that say it will be ok and that something good will happen are probably right. Depression doesn't let you believe that. All I see is an endless struggle through one problem after another. I can hardly breathe, I have so much on my shoulders dragging me down. That's how it feels. Right now, I still care enough to worry, which means I have caught it in time. I'm not far off that ambivalence though and that scares me.

There are only so many times you can fall apart before you get to the point where noone can put you back together.

Feeling Worthless

It isn't the first time I've woken up and had a good cry. Lately I am doing that a lot. There's that split second when my eyes open and everything is fine, then all the problems and worries hit. There are things to do though and I am now a master of going through the motions.

The school run gets done, followed by the housework, leaving me the whole day to think. And wallow. And continue the downward spiral into misery and depression.

When I was young I had such plans for my life. Finish school, go to university, get a good job then find the perfect man and have babies. How simple it sounds!
Coming up to my GCSEs I got pneumonia and nearly died. Obviously I didn't but I did have to show up to my exams with inhalers, tablets, tissues and a doctor. You know, the essentials! By some miracle I achieved 11 GCSEs (4 As and 7 Bs). It wasn't really a miracle though because I worked my butt off. Even in hospital I revised and did test papers.

Life just loves to kick you when you're down however. That summer I lost a close friend to meningitis. The worst part was that it all happened while I was in Ireland with my family. I didn't even get chance to go to the funeral. Some friend I was! If I'm honest, I never really dealt with that which is not good, heading into A-levels, when you need to be focused.

God I was so full of myself back then. When people hear that I studied history, geography, maths and chemistry, they assume that I was a) insane or b) that I had no life. Neither of which was true. Four of my evenings were spent at dance classes and during the weekends I worked at Somerfield. I was also lucky enough to have lots of good friends.

Then, my Nan (on my mom's side) passed away. The circumstances of which are written in my previous post about cancer. It was sudden. I did not handle that well.

Not wanting to deviate from what was expected, I carried on. Working, studying, dancing. All the while, in my head, everything was falling apart. My Nan (on dad's side) pulled me along, the constant I needed to get through the day.

Of course, I passed my A-levels (2 As and a B). Chemistry I dropped to just an AS. Academia was never my problem. I knew where I stood with school and it was a distraction from the issues I had. It was unacceptable to allow anyone to see I was less than perfect.
Bully for me, I even managed to carry this on through my degree! Homesickness nearly killed me and falling pregnant did not fit my plan. But, I am a trooper and was determined to graduate. There was no room for failure as far as I was concerned.

Just surviving each day was a struggle but I was so sure that it would be worth it in the end. I should have been rewarded by a comfortable life raising my child in a nice house by now.
Instead, I've had a string of average jobs that have resulted in redundancy (no fault of my own I might add) and currently languish as a full member of the benefits system!

I interact. I laugh. I smile. I sign on once a fortnight and go through endless job applications. What does it all mean really? Am I a mom that my daughter can look up to and be proud of? Am I making and sort of contribution to the world? No. I'm not.
All those years striving for qualifications that count for nothing. Why did I bother? The world wouldn't notice if I no longer walked in it. Essentially my entire existence is worthless. If this is not the case then why am I unemployed?
Dignity and self-respect are not on thwarting cards for me it seems.

My daughter keeps me here. My loved ones? They're important, but they don't need me. My baby is my reason to survive the daily hardships and humiliations. As long as she loves me and still needs me I'll endure. Nothing matters to me but her happiness. When I don't think I have the energy to care anymore, I just focus on her and my heart lifts.

Children have the power to make any problem fade and light up your world. They're a gift.

The Remote Is Mine!

And so it begins.

The daily war over who gets to watch what they want on tv! Mornings go fairly smoothly. Noone wants to deal with my moodiness at the start of the day so I win. Since I am the only person home during the day, I retain dominance over daytime tv. However, the evenings become a constant battle of wills between the three of us.

To be honest, the babe normally gets to watch her Disney Channel shows or some other tripe after school. This is simply due to the fact that I am usually organizing dinner and sorting her school bag etc.

It is when you add the man of the house to the mix that the situation is complicated. Viewing then depends on what mood the littlun is in and how badly we want to keep the peace. Us adults prefer programs such as Eggheads whereas our darling daughter likes The Simpsons. Personally I cannot stand it but 9 times out of 10 she wins. If she chooses to dispute the decision it involves her talking constantly so we can't even hear the tv anyway! You see the problem here?

Moving on to bedtime it should be easy for us to agree. It is not. If there is live sport on then I lean in that direction. Obviously. If there is a show on that we watch regularly then I am happy to work around that and to flick in the adverts. My partner is always difficult though. He insists on putting on some random episode of CSI, or another such show. I fail to see the point as we have watched most of them a multitude of times. Plus I have very little interest in any of the home makeover rubbish he likes. Why do I need to know how to do these things? I have him or Dad to deal with that side of life.

Last night was typical for us. I was enjoying the Man City match and he was on the pc. As it comes up to half time his hand begins to hover near the remote. Of course I attempt to perform the old 'cuddle and swipe' maneuver but he was on to me. Much frustration on my part!

Thereby ensues a war of sorts. I grumble. Mark tells me to shut up. Followed by various psychological little digs that still ends with him possessing the controls and me empty handed.
The physical altercations only begin once all avenues have been explored. His pure size means that wrestling and fighting would only leave one winner. My tactics are childish, I admit, but it allows me to level the playing field.

So I licked my finger and stuck it in his ear. No luck. I poked him in the arm. Didn't work. He shoved the remote in his pants. No way I was going in there! I made spit balls. He sat on me and broke wind. Now I never agreed to chemical warfare! It's last resort time. I smother him with one of his own rank, stinky socks.

Aha, victory!
Too late though because the football had finished. :(

The Beautiful Game

This week's football has been bizarre, if I'm honest, and not just due to the random results. The highs and lows, I've experienced, in just over a week are unbelievable really. Of course the emphatic nature of the Manchester and, indeed, the Chelsea loss were dramatic. Merely I sideshow from my perspective though.

I'm not really the go-to person for match reports so I won't even attempt to get technical! What I can do, however, is tell you what I think and how I feel.

First up was Wolves v Swansea. The early kick off meant I watched some at home followed by a run down to the in-laws' to see the rest there. (I'm not married but it's easier than saying my partner's mum and step-dad!)
Now I am fairly sure that most Wolves fans will agree, when I say, we have been playing badly. In this game, we were losing 2-0 and I was a hair's breadth from an outpouring of profanity! Swearing is prohibited around the in-laws so you can imagine my relief when we scored. Twice! There may have been some shouting and jumping around in there too. The team didn't deserve the draw but who cares? They did the business and got a point on the board. Some fans still weren't happy but isn't that always the way? As a 'glass half full' person I saw it as progress.

Then followed a mad dash home for Soccer Saturday. On to Southend v Torquay. Much like Wolves, Torquay had been stuck in a rut without a win. They chose not to alter that situation here. Our defense has been so leaky I was actually pleased it stayed 0-0 for a while! Sadly it didn't last long and we lost 4-1. To be fair though, Southend are flying so it wasn't exactly a shocker.

Naturally, Twitter was a-buzz that evening with the fans of both teams calling for the managers to be sacked and players being slated. All this reactionist panic is so pointless and counter-productive. Adding pressure to your manager and players is hardly likely to incite an improvement in performance! How would we feel if we had a bad day at work, then had to deal with threats and insults for days on end? Surely as fans we should accept that they're already embarrassed and want to turn things around as much as we do.

Admittedly, seeing the top clubs failing disastrously helped increase my optimism. Every team messes up at some point. That said, Sunday's football was as entertaining as I've seen in a good long while.

So, positivity was the name of the game heading in to Tuesday's clash between Torquay and AFC Wimbeldon. Me and my daughter made the trip as usual, and had the pleasure of meeting some fellow tweeters (@ben_tufcfan and @becka_quantick). Both were lovely people, but then they are Torquay fans so that goes without saying.
Anyway, we went through our pre-match routine of buying food, a program and 50/50 tickets then sat on the steps listening to The Wombles! This amused us no end. For some reason, the goal-keepers decided to warm-up in front of us. ( They don't normally!) Inevitably, a stray ball flew in our direction. I escaped unscathed but littlun's chips went everywhere! The waterworks started. Our stewards are lovely though and very kindly got her another portion of chips. Drama, drama!

The match itself was fantastic. We won 4-0!! It was really cold but we jumped around so much we didn't even notice! Our boys had finally got it together and we were absolutely buzzing. It had been so long since we'd kept a clean sheet even that this win felt phenomenal. Back to winning ways at Plainmoor!

Did I expect Wolves to beat Man City on Wednesday? Honestly, after their demolition of Utd, the answer was 'no'. That didn't stop me from hoping though. Football can throw up surprises now and then. On this occasion it went to form but we did score first and the scoreline wasn't as bad as the Utd match. All positives in my book. The team as a whole played much better than they had been which was fantastic to see.
Anyhow, it was only Carling Cup.

Sorry but I have to mention Soccer Am. Seeing Kevin Nicholson cleaning Lee Mansell's house in just a pinny was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life! He's such a good sport and hopefully has learnt not to make bets in future.

Wolves lost to Man City in the league on Saturday. Once again though we weren't embarrassed and kept the score to 3-1. Not too bad at all. My little family were actually at Plainmoor to watch Torquay v Hereford. Despite absolutely shocking conditions, we pulled off a 2-0 win. In my opinion, it was a good game and keeping another clean sheet was just what the doctor ordered.

My daughter is convinced that the wins are due to us painting our nails, bless her. Personally, I think Ellis has solidified the defense and Stevens is just in top form. Add this to an all round class  showing from the usual suspects and it's a recipe for success. Long may it continue!

My hair was less than impressed, however, as the wind and rain made me look like I had a bird's nest on my head! I hope the team appreciate my suffering!

Sunday and Monday night football on Sky was actually fairly decent viewing as a neutral observer. Obviously not as good as if one of my teams were involved but interesting from a Fantasy Football perspective. The Stoke fans decided to chant just before my baby went to bed though. I think she knew I was fibbing when I told her they were saying "banker"!

Tuesday we chose to watch Arsenal v Marseille and stuck it out to the bitter end. This was some achievement considering the match was horrendously boring! From the clips I have seen of the Barcelona match, I am gutted that we didn't switch over. Little Lionel is always a joy to watch. No other player comes close to matching the skills Messi possesses. Fact.

So that the beautiful game dealt with. This week we're all aboard the "Murray-coaster"! :)

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part V: Otherland

This is a series written by Tad Williams, consisting of 'City of Golden Shadow', 'River of Blue Fire', 'Mountain of Black Glass' and 'Sea of Silver Light'. Once again this is a situation where I enjoyed the books immensely but have not warmed to his other work. Possibly, this is due to the subject matter rather than his writing as the story of "Otherland" is very intriguing.

All four novels are incredibly long so, even for a fast reader like myself, it is quite a mission to get through them. Nevertheless, it is worth the effort if you can stick with it.

The story is set some time in the early 22nd century and revolves around a virtual reality network called the Net. The people of this time log on to this as often as we log on to the internet. This concept is partly why I decided to read this series in the first place.
We live our lives online, thinking nothing of emailing, tweeting, banking etc whenever the mood takes us. Therefore, virtual worlds such as Otherland are not as futuristic as they seem!

As with our internet, people use the Otherland for both work and play, with various simulations. Themes include 'through the looking glass', 'war of the worlds' and 'the wizard of oz', the majority of which are for the purposes of entertainment.

The plot itself is fairly complex so it is difficult ti keep track of who is who and what is what. However, the more you read the more sense you can make of it.

Bizarrely it all starts in the trenches during the second world war, with a soldier named Paul Jonas. Of course, at this point, you are not aware that he is within a simulation. By all accounts, he isn't aware either, until his friends (Finch and Mullet) turn on him. Throughout the novels they are constantly in pursuit as he flees from one world to the next.

Once we are acquainted with Mr Jonas, the tale moves in to the 'real' world and we meet Irene Sulaweyo (Renie). I would say she is the lead character in the saga. Renie is a Virtual Engineering Instructor whose younger brother, Stephen, falls victim to Tangadore Syndrome. It seems that, whilst using the net, something is occurring, causing children everywhere to fall into a coma. Unable to disconnect Stephen, Renie seeks help in the form of French woman Martine, who was involved in the early development of Otherland.

Along with Renie's assistant, !Xabbu, they discover strange goings on and set about investigating.
Meanwhile, Orlando and Sam are competing in the middle country simulation. Orlando joins with the others when Sam is killed in middle country and it is felt in the real world. As a leading contestant he knows that this should not affect the physical body.

Soon enough they all realise that they cannot log off and are effectively trapped moving from world to world. An assassin, John Dread, is sent after them by the Grail Brotherhood (creators/owners of Otherland). They are clearly involved in something sinister and refuse to be exposed.

The mysterious Sellars gathers the characters together and sends them to find, Jonas, in order to set things right. As the search progresses, adventures ensue!

The plot has numerous twists and turns and confusion but I think this actually makes you want to continue reading and solve the puzzle.
What I found fascinating was how many parallels you can draw between their existence and ours. All right, so we aren't chased around by kitchen utensils on a daily basis! What I mean is the technological side. They have virtual engineers, we have web designers. When our children go online or play computer games they turn in to non-responsive zombies, in the books they are in a coma.

So, in short, the internet is bad! I am only joking, of course, as I am online all the time. However, I do think it is wise to spend more time interacting with people face to face. Social media is wonderful and all but actual physical contact is important. Strike a balance between the two. :)

We Were All Created Equal

When i logged onto Twitter this morning, all i could see were tweets regarding Stuart Walker. Having enjoyed a half-term lie-in the news had passed me by. Following the recent deaths of Dan Wheldon and Marco Simoncelli, for some reason, i assumed that another such tragedy had occurred. Now i sit horrified by what i am being told!

A young man (28) is tied to a lamp post, beaten and burned to death! This is a truly sickening act of brutality. The mere thought of it gave me the urge to regurgitate my Frosties! For those of us who are sane human beings, it is impossible to imagine how and why anyone could perform such an atrocity.

On finding out, from my twitter friends, that the motivation behind the killing could well be the young man's sexuality, my sadness has become outright rage! Now i am not given to fits of anger and very rarely lose my temper. However, at this precise moment in time, i am furious!

A few years ago, my brother announced that he was gay. Not being funny but none of us were surprised by this news. It changed absolutely nothing within our family. Why should it? He is the same person he has always been. He is kind and funny and, quite frankly, a wonderful brother.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees this. I have personally witnessed several instances where people have treated him wrongly. Needless to say, when i catch anyone acting like he has a disease or is some sort of freak, they get a piece of my mind! I won't have him put down and judged, whatever the reason.

Being gay or lesbian is not a big deal. You love whoever you love, end of. So my brother is attracted to men, whoopie, me too! I fail to see what the issue is.
In my experience, it is mostly men who have the biggest problem. Even my own partner has made comments about being uncomfortable when my brother stayed over. I hate this attitude and i will not allow prejudice in my home!

If it turns out that Stuart was murdered for being homosexual, then i am disgusted with the perpetrators and do not want them as part of my society. They are nothing but heartless monsters who do not deserve to live alongside decent citizens.

They are the ones who are sick! They are the ones who are freaks of nature! Even animals only kill to survive! There are no words in existence to accurately describe such evil.

My Technological Wilderness

This will lead onto my next post pretty well being as it's all about modern technology but right now i am just having a rant! Sorry.

So, my Mom decided she wanted new lights putting up downstairs and the ceilings re-plastered. Fair enough, it's her house, she can do what she wants. Unfortunately, both my parents work so i was asked to come up and supervise. Ever the dutiful daughter, i say "sure, no problem". What a mistake that was!

It was only supposed to take one day but, predictably, the job wasn't as simple as it was first thought. Considering that the house is over 60 years old and as it's original electrics, we should have expected this i suppose. Now the whole of downstairs needs re-wiring!

So, what started as one day spent up here has been several. What's the problem right? Sitting around eating their food, drinking tea, enjoying the Sky+ HD with surround sound and abusing the wi-fi. Sound ideal? Well it's not!

It's freezing for starters. The gas heaters won't spark up without the electric being on. At least i had the tv and internet for that 1st day. Since then it has been one massive pain in the backside.

Yesterday, my partner borrowed the car so i had to walk all the way up here. It isn't that far but is all up hill for goodness' sake! I make it here and find I'm relegated upstairs because the plasterers have taken over downstairs.
Trying to watch the cricket in my parents' room was rubbish on their tiny tbd. But at least i could watch sky though. It was going without tea that hacked me off! Cups of tea are essential to my well-being and not having access to the kitchen was horrendous. It was like a form of torture knowing there were teabags down there and not being able to reach them.

Maybe i am being slightly dramatic but depriving me of my luxuries was not part of the deal! Today's debacle goes beyond even that. The electric is now completely disconnected downstairs. Of course i liberated the kettle so that i could partake of a soothing hot beverage but still.

No power equals no sky, no wi-fi, nothing. It's a technological wilderness!!!!! The network coverage on my phone is appalling in this house so i have no clue if my tweets have posted. I have no idea what happened in the rugby or anything else since i have no tv. To top it all off, my 8 year old daughter needs entertaining!

Here i sit, after hours of playing Frustration and Simpsons monopoly, writing with a pen and paper. Yes, i know, i had forgotten they existed too!
If me and the littlun survive our day trip back to the dark ages this will be posted to my blog. If not, it means we have died of boredom and despair!!

P.S. I now have a profound understanding of the Blackberry users plight when they lost BBM. I need to tweet dammit!

Schindler's List

How many people even knew who Oskar Schindler was before seeing this film? I had absolutely no idea! By now i must have seen it a hundred times, but still have to watch whenever it's on. Anyone who doesn't tear up at some point during must be seriously cold-hearted.
To be truthful, it does not sound right to say that you love a film like this due, in the most part, to the subject matter. Well made? Expertly directed? Amazingly produced? In my opinion, all three!

Under normal circumstances, i find black and white films difficult to watch but, in this case, it works perfectly. The only colour is the red coat worn by a little girl. There is a poignant moment later in the film when Oskar sees her body amongst all the other dead. The very last scene of the film is also in colour. The remaining Schindler Jews and their families place stones on his grave. It never fails to bring a lump to my throat.

Ralph Fiennes is brilliant. That goes without saying. He plays SS lieutenant Amon Goeth who performs numerous atrocities during the film.
Ben Kingsley as Itzhak Stern, the Jewish accountant, is inspired!
Casting Liam Neeson in the lead role is genius. He has the most genuine and expressive faces, if that makes sense?

In my opinion, when Schindler sets out he is only thinking of how he can profit from the war. Being a member of the Nazi party makes good business sense. He employs Stern as he actually has no clue how to run a factory. Even at the outset he is not a bad boss.

It is the end of the 'ghetto' that opens his eyes and witnessing the murder of those deemed incapable of work starts to change him. Profit is no longer the motivating factor in his business venture.

He employs as many Jews as possible in order to protect them from the concentration camps and execution. However, orders are made for all remaining Jews in Poland to be sent to Auschwitz. Schindler was not a saint, by any means, and initially plans to cut his losses and return home. Thankfully, his conscience kicks in!

Oskar spent his entire fortune bribing Goeth to allow each of his workers to work for him in his home town. Once there they were no longer subject to the 'Final Solution' underway in Poland. This list of workers' names, compiled with Stern, is "Schindler's List".

His factory never made any artillery shells that could be used in combat. What was left of his money was used to purchase them from other factories to avoid being shut down. Clearly, by this time, he has no interest in profiting from the war at all and ends up bankrupt.

However, his freedom was reliant on his Nazi membership and as a result he was forced to flee when Germany surrendered. Yes, he saved the lives of many but they were technically slave labour. As a Nazi business man he became a criminal.

The part that gets me is that his employees give him a letter and a ring, made of gold teeth, engraved with -

"Whoever saves one life saves the entire world".

This is so true in this case. Schindler knows that if he had sold more assets he could have saved more lives. The fact that his car alone would have paid for 10 more workers shames him.

At this point i am blubbing away like a crazy person every time. It was years before i realised that the man who puts the roses on the grave at the end is Liam Neeson. To be fair, though, you can't actually see his face.

The brilliance of the film, and the story itself, aside i have always been interested in the events of World War II. My Nan, on Dad's side, worked in a munitions factory in the Midlands during the war. Her parents were Polish. If they hadn't relocated to England, would they hadn't have been caught up in the madness?
Thankfully, i'll never know. This is a part of history that should never be forgotten. There's a lesson to be learnt. What Oskar Schindler did was a drop in the ocean but, years on, how many people are alive today as a result?

Even the smallest act of kindness or selflessness could have profound implications in the future. You just never know.

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part IV: Camelot

So I'm on to the individual authors that i like and decided to start here with Bernard Cornwell. I should point out that i am not hugely into all of his books. Those written about Arthur and Merlin etc are wonderful though.
Definitely highly recommended by myself.

Funnily enough, i had dragged my partner into the library with me and annoyed him no end, when i couldn't make a decision. It came as a massive surprise when he told me he had read these books and that i might like them. Not once, in the 10 years I've known him, have i ever seen him pick up a book, let alone read one! He was dead right though.

The Warlord Chronicles ( The Winter King, Enemy of God and Excalibur) are a trilogy written by the fictional Dervel for his Queen. So the story is told from a third person's perspective. Initially i was dubious but soon enough i was hooked. Once i am engrossed i feel compelled to continue until the very end. This was the case here.

Naturally, i was already familiar with the tale of Arthur and his knights etc but the way Bernard Cornwell tells it is utterly unique. He keeps the sorcery and myth but also adds realism, that is absent in the work of other authors. The battles and daily hardships are portrayed in all their brutal and graphic glory!
The characters appear real which allows the reader to buy into the mysticism also. On occasion i had to remind myself that these novels are works of fiction, not historic fact! The old style language is not to everyone's taste, i realise, although i stopped even noticing after a while. They're that good!

Almost completely the opposite are the 5 novels in The Pendragon Cycle, written by Stephen Lawhead ( Taliesin, Merlin, Arthur, Pendragon and Grail). Whilst these also tell the whole Camelot story, they are very very different. He begins his tale with Atlantis and ends long after Arthur's demise.

In some ways his books are better as they provide more background and details of what followed the life of mythical King Arthur. In other ways it made sticking with the story difficult for me. To be honest it was the Arthurian legend that was captivating, not the rest.

Whilst Cornwell's writing is honest and un-sugarcoated, Lawhead's is magical and fantastic. His portrayal is far more typical of the Camelot stories i had heard previously. Not that this is a bad thing, by any means.

For a harsh depiction of the well known saga, Cornwell delivers. But, myth and magic also have their place if your imagination can carry them. In this, Lawhead excels.

Also by Bernard Cornwell -
the Sharpe novels
the Starbuck chronicles
the Grail Quest novels
the Saxon stories
the Thrillers

Stephen Lawhead -
Dragon King trilogy
Empyrion saga
The Song of Albion
The Celtic Crusades
King Raven trilogy
Hero
Bright Empires

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part III: The Library

Throughout my life i have loved the library. Of course, it has grown bigger and the volume of books has increased over the years. However, now that i have an ebook reader, i don't bother going down there at all. This is actually very sad because without it i would have missed out on numerous wonderful authors. Since i am also a really fast reader, i practically lived down there!

It was a special place to me as it gave me the freedom to discover what i was interested in.
The members of my immediate family all have very different tastes from me and, i can honestly say, i have never been tempted to borrow a book from them!

My Dad's reading material is all on the subject of Angling or Ireland. Literally, that is it, no fiction whatsoever! Mom, on the other hand, reads romantic mush like Mills&Boone. Each to their own i say but i can't be bothered with them. A story needs to be able to make me think and keep me enthralled. These do neither. Boredom sets in fairly early on and i give up.
One of the funniest things ever was being accused of borrowing mom's books and not putting them back. It turned out it was my older brother. He believed they would tell him how to get women! To be perfectly honest i was more shocked that he knew what a book was. Previously, i had only ever seen him read the football news and scores on teletext!!

My younger brother is lovely but his choice of reading material is incredibly random. Mostly, he is online reading or writing fanfiction (whatever that is!) and all his books are Star Trek and things like that. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, but, since i am not a fan, they don't appeal to me.

It's not even worth considering my little sister's books as she is a typical teenage girl. Books about One Direction and JLS aren't aimed at my demographic at all. All her other books just make me laugh. Sadly, i am way past the age when the right hair, clothes and make-up were important. Whether boys 'like' me is not a serious issue!

So, there i was at the library, rapidly getting through all the Stephen King they had. I wanted to branch out and there was so much choice!

Best get started! :)

Harry and Jack

The world has said 'goodbye' to two very special boys in the past week. It didn't seem right to let it pass without saying a few words about them, and how they touched our lives.

Through regular twitter updates we shared their journeys. From the highs of Jack's cheeky smiles, to the low of Harry's coma. Many of us felt like we actually got to know them both, despite never never either in person. Losing them was a big blow, so i can't begin to imagine how distraught their loved ones must be right now.

11 and 6 are no ages to be taken, but we must not dwell on what has been lost, rather focus on what we gained from them. The boys and their families have shown such strength, it never ceased to inspire others. If they can smile through the hard times then so can we!

They campaigned for awareness and raised money for charity. A cure may not be found this week, this year or even in the next 10 years, but it WILL happen. When it does, we can look back and say that they helped to achieve that.
It's too late for Jack and Harry but they have funded another step towards something that will make a difference to millions. How many of us can say that?!

They taught us to fight for what we want and to never give up, no matter how much easier it would be. They showed us that we should make the most of our time because it runs out all too soon.

So, if you have the opportunity to spend time with the ones you love, do it! If your children want to go to the park, read a book or play games, do it! Never turn down the chance to make memories.

Most of us cannot hope to make the impact that Jack and Harry did, but we can all do our part. The legacy they leave us is to live life to it's fullest and strive to be better people. Do as much as you can to help others and cherish those closest to you.

Jack,
Harry,

You were amazing! Thankyou.

(Continue their good work@harry_moseley and @Jack_Marshall_)

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part II: Stephen King

In a million years, nothing written here will ever do the man justice. His books account for a serious amount of my reading hours. Whilst i adore his work, it has to be said that he is one terrifying individual! One has to wonder where the ideas come from and what is going on in that mind of his!

'Kingdom Hospital' was written specifically for tv and, crikey, did that spin my head! Much as i think he writes well, after watching that series from start to finish i still had no idea what the heck was going on! The SyFy series, Haven, is based on 'The Colorado Kid' by him and isn't bad. Maybe his books work better than film or tv though as there is more scope for your own imagination.

There are far too many novels to go through individually, especially including his work as Richard Bachman. This is a shame because each book has particular aspects that stand out and make them special. So, i am going to pick 4 and let you draw your own conclusions on the rest.

The very first book of his that i read was 'The Tommyknockers'. My mom took it on holiday to Ireland with her one year and i robbed it. As with all his novels, the story is disturbing and creepy. Since it centres around an alien spaceship being unearthed, though, you would expect some abnormal goings on! The section where dolls come to life is as bizarre as it is terrifying. I have always classed this as being one of my first 'grown-up' books as there is bad language, sex and he holds absolutely nothing back. My reading tastes changed from then on.

'Thinner' is one of King's best novels and is also fairly well known since it was made into a film later. He was writing as Richard Bachman then and, if i remember correctly, this was the last he wrote under that name (until The Regulators). Basically it is about an obese lawyer who, whilst being...um... 'caressed', mows down and kills a gypsy woman. His judge friend acquits him but outside court the gypsies stop him and whisper 'thinner' in his ear.

Throughout the book he loses weight, hence the title, and strange things happen to the judge and police chief involved in the case. I won't ruin the story if you haven't read it but, we are talking about Stephen King here so, it's not a happy one! The moral is either to concentrate when you're driving or that you should face the consequences of your actions. Probably the latter but both are valid. (Haha)

The majority of Stephen King novels seem to have some sort of moral issue within them and i really like that concept. So, although the content can be disturbing and sometimes horrific, there is always a way that the characters cod have avoided these nightmares.

'Needful Things' is another good quality read. I am told that this has also been transferred to the big screen but i have never seen it. Initially i found the scenario very amusing. A friendly old man, running a shop (Needful things), selling anything you ask for at rock bottom prices. Providing you play a trick on one of your neighbours of course.

The elderly know all the gossip, grudges, feuds and scandals so, by carefully selecting the targets of these pranks, he incites the whole town to craziness!
Once again the la-di-da ending is absent but I'm sure noone is surprised by that at this point. Is the moral here - 'be careful what you wish for'? Or maybe it's something to do with 'what you want not necessarily being what you need'?

So, i've done the first, my two favourites and now on to the last book i read penned by him - Dreamcatcher.
According to Mr King, this book was written during his recovery from a car accident and was originally titled 'Cancer'. (Interesting little factoid there i thought!)

'Duddits' is a child with down syndrome. One day he is picked on by bullies and 4 friends wade in and rescue him. They stay friends and move away then, after having troubles in their private life, decide to go on a hunting trip and visit Duddits at the same time.

Naturally there follows weird occurrences and subsequently an army quarantine zone! The flatulance issues are hilarious but non-essential to the plot, therefore i think our quirky author was having a giggle with that. Anyway, we end up with an alien 'Ripley' virus spreading around and all manner of other goings on, such as telepathy and yet another crashed spaceship. It's very action packed and incredibly complicated!
The sad part is that Duddits is the key to stopping it but is dying of leukemia.

Not everyone appreciates Stephen King, in large part due to this weirdness and the lack of happy conclusive endings. However, even those who aren't fans can see he has been hugely successful.

The paranormal element appeals to me and beyond that i refuse to examine too closely why so many of us are drawn to the bizarre and twisted tales he creates!

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part I: Childhood

Reading is something we all do, be it newspapers, magazines, emails or the Sky TV guide! How many people read honest-to-goodness books these days?!!
Due to dwindling shelf space, the majority of my books are now ebooks on my reader. Still, the content is the same.

I love to read, and always have, so it only seems right to share this here. Be prepared though, this may take a while!

The first to grace my bookshelf were all written by Roald Dahl. Not that unusual I'm sure. Funnily enough they have now been passed on to my daughter, so good old Roald is standing the test of time. 'The BFG' would be quite scary if it wasn't for the humour of "whizzpops" and the like and this is a common theme for his stories. Anything that may be considered too harsh for children is always balanced out with fun. 'Matilda' is basically a victim of child abuse, for goodness sake, but she can move objects with her mind and is super smart so we overlook that! Of course, the illustrations by Quentin Blake were also phenomenal.

At primary school, i can literally only remember the teachers giving me CS Lewis to read. We all loved those books. I suppose you could say that tales of Narnia were a bit like Harry Potter is now. A world where magic exists and there are hidden doorways to secret places. However they did lose their appeal when i finally succumbed to the realisation that there was never going to be another world in my wardrobe!

Does anyone remember the 'Point' series? They were aimed at younger teenagers, i believe, and there were Point Romance and Point Crime among others. These books have not survived the journey of my life but i once had stacks of them. The Point Horrors were my favourite, written by authors such as RL Stine. Deep and challenging material this was not but they were well written without being too gruesome or nightmare inducing. 'My Dead Girlfriend' was one. Make of that title what you will!

My Nan was all for reading the 'classics' and gave me a whole bundle when i was around 8. They were specifically adapted for children but the stories themselves were accurate to the original novels. To be honest they were a fairly enjoyable read. At that age, i didn't have the ability to associate any of them with parts of my own life, my vocabulary definitely expanded. My baby has all of them now. Her favourites are 'Around The World in 80 Days' and 'What Katy Did'.

Some of the things they forced us to read during secondary school were not to my taste. Admittedly, though, i am glad that they did. For example, 'Far From The Madding Crowd' by Thomas Hardy taught me that, if you spend a whole page describing a tree, noone cares about the plot anymore! Seriously, it has got to be the worst reading material to assign to teenagers. Ever! However, 13 years on, i can still vividly recall the arduous hours spent plodding through it. Mission accomplished for Mr Hardy?

Shakespeare irritated me to death back then. Now that i can see past the language and format, his works actually make a lot of sense. He was a very astute man because a great deal of his plays can be applied to life in the modern world. 'Macbeth', 'Romeo and Juliet', 'The Taming of the Shrew' - read them and you will see, i swear. Everyone can find a parallel to their own experiences in at least one of his plays.

By this time, my lovely Nan had decided that i should experience the 'classics' in their full un-abridged glory. Bless her, she was obsessed with the dusty old things! Joking aside, most are fantastic stories, such as The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas. The dated style and language are tricky, that's true, but well worth the effort. Charles Dickens is a cut above any author, past or present, in my opinion. 'Oliver Twist' and 'A Christmas Carol' are the most universally palatable but i liked 'Little Dorrit'. That novel is a mission and half to get through yet worth it as the story is completely fascinating.

Hands up who has read anything by Frank McCourt? No? Maybe, then, you will recall the film starring Robert Carlyle - 'Angela's Ashes'? This is based on the book by the same name. The autobiographical novel, detailing his childhood in Limerick, Eire, is brutal and unpleasant to be truthful. Nevertheless, the man is a fabulous writer and, as you move onto the sequel ''Tis', it is clear why it is so important to have a clear picture of his childhood. Initially, i chose the book as Ireland is a special place to me and i recognized the locations he described. After the first book i had to now how he ended up being a writer. 'Teacher Man' is very different as it details his experiences teaching in New York etc. Never leave a story half way through though and enjoy finding out about his journey to success!
Never underestimate the power of books like this where a person can survive adversity and create something extraordinary. They will inspire you.

For now, i will leave it there. Post-teen literary favourites on the way! :)

TV Tastebuds

Lately i have spent an awful lot of time on twitter and the majority of that is spent discussing tv. There's no shame in admitting to sitting in front of the box now and again. If you can look past all the guff there are some decent shows out there.
Honestly, i think i watch too much but try to balance my viewing out by reading books and having a life! What shocked me, however, was how little British made programs i watch on a regular basis. Films notwithstanding, it's all shows from across the pond! Shock, horror, how can this be?!!

To be blunt, the Americans just seem to produce the best stuff.
Supernatural is brilliant. I am a fan of the paranormal and sci-fi genre anyway but it seems to have the perfect blend of seriousness and humour. No i am not blind, i have noticed that the lead actors are easy on the eye which helps, obviously.

As a teenager, i loved Buffy, Angel and Dawson's Creek. Admit it, you can't beat a bit of over-analytical teenage angst acted out by beautiful people. And when you are that age, everything is a big deal so it's easy to relate to the on-screen characters portrayed.

Nowadays, my sky planner is filled with shows such as The Secret Circle (witches), Fringe (alternate dimension), Warehouse 13 (mythical artifacts), A Town Called Eureka (random scientific inventions) and Lost Girl (succubus, fae). On top of these there is Terra Nova, where the earth is dying so they send people through a time rift back in the age of the dinosaurs. Plus Haven which is based on a Stephen King book.

Who could forget Teen Wolf? To be fair, it all seems like a metaphor for puberty but never mind. Werewolf myths and legends are interesting and the main character is all in love, which is adorable. Hello, i am a girl, i like romantic mush occasionally!

Also, i cannot wait for the next series of Game of Thrones. Both me and my partner really got into it. Since i hadn't read the books, it constantly surprised me. The casting seemed spot on to me and, basically, the whole 'look' of the show was amazing. Roll on spring when it is back!

There is a pattern emerging here. To be honest, i want to watch things that take me away from reality because, just like when reading a book, it's nice to escape the normal world for a while.

On the other hand, i enjoy Bones, CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Cold Case and Ringer. Who doesn't like a puzzle to solve? Once again, though, they are all so well written and produced. They look good, sound and good and i actually care what happens. Much of the time it's how events unfold that grips me rather than the end result.

Now, since i am addicted to history, it goes without saying that i am drawn to anything set in the past. Jonathan Rhys Myers' performance as Henry VIII in The Tudors was phenomenal. Naturally there were people harping on about inaccuracies but it's not a documentary! All the important facts were correct and, ultimately, the makers brought that period to life. What an awesome series!

The Borgias and Spartacus appealed to me for much the same reason. Sex, intrigue, betrayal - What more do you need? And they're all wrapped up in a snapshot of what life was like for people, around the world, way back when.

The problem, here, is that our schedule is dominated by soaps or reality tv. When i turn on my set i don't want to see actors mimicking reality or groups of randoms sharing a house.
The argument is that soaps tackle important issues but do they? Do gay storylines, for example, imitate real life? To me, no. Everyone is miserable and even if they are happy it doesn't last long. How depressing!!
Programs like Big Brother are alright if you want to watch someone slowly go crazy whilst being trapped with other crazy people. It's just not for me. I have a life in the 'real' world so if i want to see that I'll open the door! Plus, who is entertained by a group sitting around doing nothing but moan about one another? I'm just not bothered at all.

That being said, i do sit down every Friday and watch The Bachelor. There's no logical explanation. Maybe it is the fact that all these girls are competing for one man in front of millions but claim it is about finding love! Bizarre yet fascinating. It also brings me endless amusement that Gavin Henson is so clueless. Bless.

Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing on Ice are a must. The littlun and i both find skating and dance fun. Pure and simple. Sometimes the contestants are so bad it's hilarious or they turn out to be really talented. Either way, seeing familiar faces out of their comfort zone is intriguing.

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here is another one. If it clashes with anything else i am not devastated to miss the action though. The trials draw in viewers I'm sure. We all possess a morbid streak that feels a modicum of satisfaction seeing them suffer. There is no way i would even consider doing half of it but, then, money is a great motivator. Who knows?!

Britain should, however, be given credit for Merlin (BBC1) and Camelot (Channel 4). Again there is the presence of myth and magic which, as i've mentioned before, entices me. Mostly, though, i think a large portion of us are enthralled by the story of King Arthur and Camelot etc. At the centre of the legend is an ideal we would all like to believe in.

So, having gone through what tickles my tv tastebuds, i have come to a shocking realisation - My organizational skills are immense!! How amazing, that around all this fabulous viewing material, i still manage to find time for football, tennis, cricket, cycling, F1 and even a bit of golf!

'My cup runneth over' as they say.

(Thanks to docdenbow.wordpress.com for inspiring this post.)

Happy Birthday Nan (A Letter)

Dear Nan,
You missed it! Today would have been your 90th birthday! The past 4 years feel like a life time with you gone. I was lucky to enjoy such a long time with you though and I'm grateful that you made our time so wonderful.

Because of you i found music and, although i don't play anymore, i feel you with me whenever i hear a track that i like. All those trips to the theatre stuck in my memory. They're special, just for us.

Without you and Grandad taking me around stately homes as a child i probably wouldn't have discovered my love of history. Therefore, i dedicate my degree to you. I know you were made up that i actually completed it after having my baby. And my little brother has followed in my footsteps. Your influence is still tangible.

All the beautiful places we visited and the knowledge you imparted led me to take A-level geography. Even my individual study was based around the development of Clennon Valley, which you were strongly opposed to. Do you remember?

Sadly, i did not inherit your artistic ability but, don't worry, my baby loves to be creative. Maybe that's you helping her. I hope so. We didn't let them sell your paintings Nan. They were so much a part of you it would have been wrong.

Now, looking back, i appreciate how you were there for all the sports days, musical performances and dance shows. Mom and Dad had to work, which i understand, but i needed, and relied upon, your presence and support back then. As you know, I've never been blessed with oodles of self-confidence.

Looking after pre-school me must have been a challenge. Thank you for having the patience to teach me how to read and write. I haven't stopped since. Oh, and educating me in scientific issues such as wind resistance - making Barbie parachutes from Grandad's pants was heaps of fun!

Yes, i know we spent hours in your gorgeous garden but the green finger has deserted me. I can imagine you finding it hilarious that i even managed to kill the littlun's 'cresshead' from school!

We were hit by the tail end of a hurricane recently which reminded me of the time we had a full-on hurricane here. Poor little 6 year old me was terrified! We all held hands across the playground and crowded into the music room. The teachers sang with us etc but when you came it was like you were a super hero coming to rescue us! Then we spent the afternoon making cakes at your house and i forgot to be scared. How did you always know just what to do?!

I took for granted that we went on holidays together. Ireland with all the family was brilliant but our holidays on our own were just the best.
Teneriffe was fun. Going to the water park and up Mount Teide. The volcano smelt awful and the ham sandwich was vile! Haha.
I loved Blackpool! The illuminations and the ice show were very special but the Lake District trip (Windemere?) and visiting a sweet factory were the highlights.
Jersey topped everything. The zoo was unbelievable! Learning the history of occupation in WW2 and walking around the underground hospital was just an epic experience. If you love all things past like i do. Of course we took advantage of the low jewellery prices and took a coach trip around the island. It was one of the most perfect moments in my life.

You cared for me during my pneumonia scare...
Were the first to congratulate me on my exam results...
Took me to my first job interview...
Always my first port of call.

During sixth form you helped me through the loss of my other Nan and at uni, when i was sad and homesick, your letters and presents brought a smile to my face and warmth inside.

When my family hated my partner you accepted and welcomed him into your life simply because i loved him. It meant the world to me. On learning i was pregnant you were happy and supportive and made me see that it would all be ok. All you wanted was for me to be content and looked after.

Even after you moved into the home i came for advice, support and just to chat. I was never once let down by you. Hopefully i gave you the same in return when you were sick and needed someone to care. It killed me inside to see you lost and poorly but i still treasure every moment we had.

There are times now when i want to tell or show you things for myself. Mostly i wish you could see more of my baby. She's so beautiful, clever and funny. It makes no sense that i could make something to precious. By remembering us right up until the end i know that you loved us both but she missed out knowing how inspiring and remarkable you really were.

You passed and i lost a friend. I lost the only person who was never once disappointed in me. You always showed such confidence that i would make the right decision. I want to be that person for my daughter.

All around the Rock Gardens today i felt closer to you. Did you see us Nan? How crazy were we eating ice-cream in the cold and wind?! Still the sun was out and it was our little tradition.

I love you. Always.
Vicki

Cancer

Not wanting to state the obvious but i hate cancer! I am not even 30 and already have known too many people who have died from it. Scientists can do amazing things these days, yet are still unable to 'cure' this one disease. How fair is it that all doctors can do is provide a treatment which, in a lot of cases, makes people wonder if it is worth the struggle.

They tell you to avoid smoking etc as these things cause cancer or 'increase the risk of...' . Well, to be honest, i think half of what we hear is rubbish simply because they don't really understand it.

My Grandad died of throat cancer yet never smoked a day in his life! We just had to watch him gradually waste away. At only 8 years old (the age my daughter is now) i couldn't understand why all his food was liquidized and why he was getting so skinny.
The only thing i knew about death was about Jesus and that he was resurrected. I could not get my head around the concept that death meant gone forever.

My other Grandad passed away from a stroke just before my brother was born. I remember the ambulance coming and taking him away in a wheelchair wrapped in an orange blanket. That was the last time i saw him. It was made even more awful because i then knew i was going to have no Grandads soon. Within a year this was the situation.

My Great Auntie died of leukemia. She fought hard and did get better for a while but she couldn't fight it off the 2nd time.
My Auntie had cancerous growths in her womb and had to have a full hysterectomy. Thankfully she was absolutely fine afterwards.
Mom had to have a melanoma ( hopefully spelt correctly) removed a few years ago and even i had to have part of my cervix removed when my daughter was small. I cannot stress enough how glad i am that i got past my embarrassment and went for my smear test!
My partner's sister has recently been given the all clear following 2 years fighting breast cancer. That was tough for all of us to be truthful.

My Nan's case was the worst though. She was the wife of the Grandad with throat cancer. (I always used to call them Nan and Grandad midlands as that's where they lived.) She had suffered from rheumatoid arthritis for as long as i can remember and was at the doctors on a weekly basis. She began to lose a lot of weight and was feeling numbness in one leg. Everything happened so quickly.

Friday she found a lump on her breast. She went straight to hospital and my Auntie called to tell Mom. Of course we travelled up that night. Noone seemed overly alarmed so we came home Sunday.

Driving back from school Tuesday one of my Great Auntie's called and told us she had passed. A post-mortem showed that she had cancer throughout her body. She was taking paracetamol for the pain of arthritis but must still have been in so much pain. Despite knowing that nothing could be done for her i am pleased that she did find the lump. It meant that we could be together one last time before she went.

My mom's cousin had a brain tumor and thankfully recovered but she has never been the same. She lost some memory and her personality changed completely.

One of the mums at school, i have known for 13 years, has breast cancer. So many people don't talk to her now as if they are worried about what to say. I have tried to be the same as always. When she is there at school every day collecting her children i am amazed by her strength.

The wife of a lad i went to school with is in the last stages of her fight. They got married in the hospital as she was too sick to leave. Any day now he will become a widower at 29.

My neighbour's mum died less than a year ago from lung cancer caused by asbestos (mesathemioma?). I did not know the woman well but, having been there for my friend throughout, i know she suffered horribly. They could only postpone the inevitable for her so she tried to make the most of her remaining time.

Then there are the people i don't know personally but have heard about. Kylie Minogue, the Nolans and now recently Sid Waddell. He is the best and funniest darts commentator around and i already miss hearing him on my tv. Wishing him a full recovery. Obviously many don't win the battle such as Steve Jobs, the Apple founder. Thoughts go out to his family and friends.

Then there are our little friends on Twitter, Jack Marshall and Harry Moseley. Jack is a smiler with heaps of fight. He's only 6 and as a terminal brain tumor. Harry is 11 and also has an inoperable brain tumor. Both are truly inspirational children and have raised both money and awareness. Sadly Harry is in a coma and the doctors can do no more for him. He went home today to spent his last hours/days with his family.

It breaks my heart.

Cancer is indiscriminate. It doesn't care how rich you are, how old, man or woman. It is just cruel and brutal.

Music, Tracks, Tunes

No matter what term you choose to use, they all mean the same. The wonderful thing about music is that there really is something for everyone - rock, classical, soul, pop etc.
Our favourite tunes can bring back memories of times past and can inspire any number of emotions.

My taste in music has been the subject of much debate over the years, due to my varied cd collection. Now, in the age of mp3 i am even worse. There are certain artists that have remained at the top of my list despite growing older.

This is going to sound incredibly sad but i will always have a soft spot for New Kids On The Block. They were the first group that i really liked, when i was young, and my parents had to buy me all the albums (On tape then!). I also recorded every interview and performance that appeared on tv. Those videos are still at my parents' house somewhere!

I would love to say that this was my only foray into the world of boybands but, say, it wasn't. Albums from The Backstreet Boys, Nsync and Ultra (Anyone remember them?!) are in the back of my cd cupboard. My only defence is that i was very young and every girl goes the boyband phase.

When i came to my senses, there was a period of time where i honestly had no idea what music i actually liked. As a result, i purchased mainly compilations and soundtracks such as the Now albums. The Dawson's Creek soundtrack 1&2 are around somewhere, along with several film albums like Cruel Intentions, Scream 2, Coyote Ugly and the list goes on. These were brilliant for people like me, who like heaps of different songs but no one particular artist.

When my Nan, on my mother's side, passed away and a school friend died of meningitis, i fully embraced the persona of an angry, emotional teenager. This is when The Offspring came into my life. At the same time i listened to alot of Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Staind, Puddle of Mudd, Kid Rock, Simple Plan.......
Of course i'd turn the volume right up so that the whole street could appreciate these groups also!!
Eventually, i settled on Good Charlotte and Greenday. Even now i will play their stuff around the house.
My partner did not share my musical taste when we first met so i set about converting him to the Greenday movement. I even had his mum listening to them at one point and she'd sing along to Time of Your Life! The most special thing about them to me now is that the first song my baby sang was 'When September Ends'. She was so tiny and cute but literally knew all the words. It was adorable.

Muse are another band i just love. Partly because they are from Teignmouth, which is close to me, but mostly everything they do is brilliant. Plus i enjoy The Twilight Saga books and films and their music is perfect for them. I was lucky enough to see them live a while ago. Fantastic experience!

Although we would all like to think we choose what we like as 'individuals', i don't believe this is strictly true. Mine, in particular, come from a number of outside influences.

The boybands was all to do with tv and magazines telling me that i should and friends, of course. The Offspring etc were basically me saying 'I'm an angry teenager and i want everyone to know about it!'.
To be honest though in general i have always liked bands that actually write music and play instruments. Nothing makes you feel tough like banging out an explicit lyric or 2 either.

However, there are 2 people in particular who had a huge impact. The first was my Nan, on my dad's side. She taught me to play the recorder and the tin whistle, then later helped when i was learning the clarinet. She was the one who showed me how to read sheet music.

My Nan and i were very close and she would take me on holidays, but also to the theatre a lot. Sometimes we would go to plays but most of the time it involved music. We saw The Mikado together and i also remember sitting in her living room watching Fiddler On The Roof and The King and I. As a child i loved The Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and all the Disney animated films.

We were lucky enough to go to London twice, first to watch 'Oliver!' and the second time to 'Cats'. I am so grateful to my Nan for doing so many things with me. I bought her the video of 'Cats' one Christmas and she was so pleased i was made up.

Most of the songs from that musical make me happy as i remember the good times we shared. All except Memory. We chose to play it at my Nan's funeral and now i cry every time i hear it. I have to avoid listening to it.

My other Nan loved Cliff Richard and Daniel O'Donnell . Thankfully i managed to escape them but Millennium Prayer was played at her funeral. She was very religious, hence why we picked it. At Christmas it's a problem as it pops up everywhere.

Hearing these songs makes me feel like i am losing all over again. It's ok though because after the sad times i think of the love they gave me and i smile.

The other main contributor is my Dad. Whether it was driving up to my auntie's or touring around Ireland Dad always had his music on.

As a child we still had a record player. (Old aren't i?!) My older brother and i would always play Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. If you've never heard it you are seriously missing out! The record player is long gone but Dad still has the records and i now have the album on cd.

Dad is completely to blame for the presence of Queen, Thin Lizzy, The Who, Dire Straits and Eric Clapton. In my collection. I've tried, many times, to blame him for the Stevie Wonder but that's all me. It's good housework music ok?!!

It was during holidays in Ireland that Dad played The Levellers, The Waterboys and Deacon Blue. These are the groups i remember the most fondly. I listened to The Levellers and Runrig today actually. Without fail, they cheer me up when I'm feeling low. Most of my happiest times were spent in Ireland with Mom, Dad, Nan, my 2 brothers and my sister listening to this stuff.

The Saw Doctors need a section all to themselves really as they are far and away my favourite group of all time. Apart from the latest album 'The Further Adventures Of', i have them all and play them constantly in my car. There are so many songs that they have written that have a special meaning to me but if i had to pick it would be 'Sing a Powerful Song' and 'Never Mind The Strangers'. They make you feel good just listening to them and you can't help but sing along loudly!

This summer when it seemed to rain all the time it was apt playing 'Will it Ever Stop Raining?'! Plus I've been to Kilkee and Ballybunnion so i can picture us all there. I do miss Ireland.
Recently added to my favourites is 'To Win Just Once'. They dedicated it to Shamrock Rovers Football Club (via Twitter) when they made history by being the first Irish club in Europe. I was so pleased for them and it was an amazing achievement. It really made me believe that anything is possible. That's what the song does for me.

My daughter is so like me it's scary. She loves her boybands! JLS and One Direction - eurgh!! Thankfully she's going off Justin Bieber but now it's all Jessie J and Katy Perry on YouTube!
She redeems herself by listening to the Air Guitar albums and she knows all the words to The Saw Doctors songs! :)

I wonder if, when she's my age, she'll be listening to them and smiling, remembering our fun times together belting out tunes in the car? How wonderful would that be?!

Music truly does transcend generations. It's age-less.

If in doubt "Play it again Sham!"
And "just give me the good news, you can keep the bad." - The Saw Doctors

Follow them on Twitter @sawdoctors

Profit From Tragedy?!

Lately i always seem to be moaning about something! Hopefully this is q reflection of the world at large rather than me personally. Maybe i qm simply becoming more opinionated as i get older.

Wednesday mornings are always brutal, having to get the littlun to school at 8am for gymnastics, but first thing this morning, i turned on Daybreak and was bombarded with footage of Amanda Knox. I kid you not, it was enough to put me off my breakfast!

My opinion has never changed on this case. I honestly believe that she was involved in the murder. Her behaviour at the time and the fact that she named someone initially, do not look good. Any normal person, even if they didn't get on with their room-mate, would be traumatized to find them brutally murdered in the home they shared. The last thing on my mind would be getting passionate with my boyfriend! Also, why accuse someone else of the murder if, as she claims, she was never there?!

People are acting like she has been proven innocent now, because she is free, but technically this is incorrect. She was 'acquitted' because her lawyer argued that the DNA evidence was handled badly. Obviously it's too complicated to go through in detail but, basically, this evidence proved her guilt to the Italian authorities. It was then used to get the conviction.

Unfortunately, the majority of it was not catalogued correctly for 48 hours and a bra clip, that didn't match any of the victim's underwear, was allowed to rust. Using a chain of custody argument, among other things, the evidence was deemed inadmissible. So, for all intents and purposes, it doesn't exist and, since the rest was circumstantial, they had no choice but to free her.

It should be mentioned that the man still in prison for this crime maintains that she was involved.

What annoys me most is the publicity. The Italian ex-boyfriend is hardly being mentioned despite also being freed. Maybe because he isn't American. His father made a brief statement apparently and spared thoughts for the Kercher family, whereas Amanda Knox had a press conference! It was all 'thanks for supporting ME and MY family' which didn't sit well with me. She sounded like she was crying but there were no tears. It made me feel uncomfortable.

Yes, she lost 4 years of her life, which just about covers the slander, but the Kerchers have lost their daughter forever!! If she truly is innocent she must feel something for them and want the actual murderer(s) brought to justice.

There are reports that she will be offered movie and book deals etc and is set to make millions. This is disgusting. Why should she become rich and famous for being convicted of murder? Do we really want to know about Italian prison life? She can't possibly say anything about the murder since she says she wasn't there!

She may become a millionaire but if it was me i would just want to forget the whole thing. Should she ever get married and have children/grandchildren how will it affect them to have films etc out there? If she just gets quietly on with her life the next generation probably won't even remember her.

Does she really need to tell everyone her story? I'm hoping not but, sadly, i think she will cash in.
American culture seems to thrive on this stuff. In all honesty, i have nothing against the country or it's residents but i do dislike their desire to televise everything.

Look at the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor. Realistically, is it being done because the public need to know or for ratings? My point is, you have the tabloids and news stations to keep the world informed. There is no need to see and hear every detail from the courtroom. Listening to that phone call he made before he died makes me cringe!
I'm fairly sure that alot of it is morbid curiosity and that's just plain creepy. Just tell us the verdict and let Michael Jackson retain some semblance of dignity. Even in death he has no peace.

I suppose it is much like the documentary about the death of Princess Diana. I am so glad it wasn't shown here. There is no way i would have watched it as all these things achieve are to make people feel bad all over again. It isn't as if you learn anything new.

The program on recently about the Wests had the same effect. It may have been well made, and i suppose that's a plus, but why?! We all know what happened as it wasn't that long ago so is still raw for those involved. Speaking to people from the area on Twitter was very enlightening as they just wanted to move on from it. They felt that all this program was doing was reminding everyone of where it happened. They didn't want where they live to be remembered that way.

So a documentary or film gets millions of viewers for an hour or so. Whoopy doo!! The after-effects of these events and the various media linger on for years if not for ever. Just in case the hurt wasn't enough first time around! 

We've also had the mother of Madeleine McCann writing a book on her experience. I will not read it.

As a Mom myself, i can concur that having a child taken from you is, absolutely, your worst nightmare. We are all hyper-aware of child abuse and the threat of pedophiles in this day and age. Parents lecture their children on not talking to strangers and safe use of the internet etc but bad things still do happen.

Our area is very safe but i still feel i have to watch my daughter when she plays outside. I will admit to being paranoid but i would rather be this way and know she is safe than live with the regret the McCann's must have.

Whenever i think about Madeleine i get a sick feeling in my stomach. Whoever took her is utter scum. However, i find it hard not to blame her parents too.

They didn't deserve this but they did leave 3 small children alone in an apartment! They may have been in view of the door but none of us have x-ray vision. You would never consider abduction but any number of things could have happened inside that they would know nothing about.

I would never leave my daughter alone like that. Other parents i know have left their kids and nipped out. It's craziness! We chose to have children so should be prepared to make sacrifices for them. For example, you wait until they can go out with you or if on holiday and they go to sleep just stay in. You get plenty of freedom when they are older after all. If the McCann's hadn't 'gone out, for a meal they would still have Madeleine.
Other parents should focus on this.

I don't want to come across as self-righteous and judgemental but i don't think writing books, making films and popping up on tv every 5 minutes is the best way to react to a tragic event.
In the end all you do is forget about the victims and the important issues that should be addressed.

We spend far too much time being encouraged to be voyeurs of the worst in humanity.

Never A Dull Moment

I had this whole plan with regards to my blog but, due to problems with my broadband, it hasn't quite worked out. Isn't that always the way though? Whenever life is progressing nicely something throws a spanner in the works.

After applying for 5 jobs i was feeling all positive. Unfortunately, the internet chose that moment to go on the blink. Every few minutes it was going off! I couldn't check all my emails, not that it mattered as none have replied!

Needless to say, i called Sky to have a rant.

For the record, i would like to make it clear that i am not racist and hold no prejudices towards anyone, before i go on.

The man i spoke to had the strangest accent i have ever heard in my life! A kind of mix between Indian and Scottish, it sounded like to me, and was very difficult to understand. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to work out what a person is saying when you're already stressed.

Well, following an hour long conversation, the problem still wasn't solved. I was informed that i needed to speak to a 'level 2 technician' as there was nothing more he could do to help. Wonderful!
But, that isn't even the best part. Apparently, these 'level 2 techs' don't work Sundays so i would be referred for a call back within 72 hours.

Now i have always considered myself a calm person but was less than impressed with this situation. The poor man was left in no doubt as to how angry i was!

However, i needed to check my emails so decided to just make do with being online for minutes at a time and sticking it out. When i tried though i couldn't load the internet at all even when the router light was green!!!

Furious at this point, i called again. My partner said we should just wait for the techs to call but at least we had partial use before they 'helped'. They'd clearly just made it worse!
So once again i suffered through the various menus and ended up speaking to a lovely Scottish man who i had no trouble understanding. He was so helpful. He talked me through configuring my connection settings, then took detailed notes on the issues. Since he was also a 'level 2 tech' he was very surprised to hear he didn't work Sundays! Clearly internal communication within the call centre is severely lacking.

Since then, they have called several times and the problem seems to be mostly sorted. An engineer is still going to come out as they believe there is a physical fault on the line itself.

So, i was almost over that drama when the next thing went wrong. The dvd recorder literally just stopped working. All off a sudden it went off and now there is no life in it whatsoever. We have a tv/dvd combi so it's not a disaster,but i did have loads of stuff saved to the hard drive. There's no way to get that back and there is a dvd stuck in there.

In true positive and upbeat fashion, i brushed this off as bad luck.

The next day i was running a bath for bubs and the hot tap literally came off! Water was pouring everywhere and the mains tap was too tight for me to turn. Sorry, but i totally fit the female stereotype of being a weakling. My partner reassembled the tap but how long it will hold i don't know.

Bad luck comes in threes, they say so i surely i'd had my share for a while. Unfortunately not.

Time for a bit of back story. My house is in a 'court' at the end of a 'close' with the same name. One particular postman can't seem to tell the difference and regularly posts things through the wrong doors.

Like any normal person i then wander down the road and pop the letters etc through the right door. The people on the close are not normal. They are selfish and inconsiderate, mean and nasty! They kept a parcel once that was a present for the littlun's birthday. It wasn't until the post office tracked it, and i confronted them that they handed it over. By this time it was late and the cheeky bleeders had opened it. Supposedly by mistake. Pfft!

Right, now on to the latest crisis. The last time i was at the jobcentre, my advisor said he would be away the next time so would arrange me an appointment for the day after instead. Not a problem for me until i show up and they tell me i should have come on my normal day and time. They'd sent a letter out to let me know!
For those of you unfamiliar with the system, if you miss a sign on your money is stopped.

Fuming, i knocked on the close and they had received a whole bundle of post! They didn't even offer an apology when i told them what had happened and the trouble i was in. Not that i expected them to have any sort of conscience!
The post office also received an ear-full from me along with a letter of complaint.

Luckily, since issues have been documented in the past, i was allowed to sign on and was told i wouldn't be penalized. Still i could have done without the worry.

Moving on, it's the start of a new week in a new month and it's going to be great. I feel it in my bones! :)

My Weekend in Wolvo

Okay so Wolverhampton is not everyone's destination of choice for a weekend away, but I was up there visiting family not on holiday!
When my Mom asked me to go initially, I wasn't sure since i hate travelling, my Auntie doesn't have Sky and, most importantly, Torquay were playing at home. Literally, i can't remember the last time i missed a home game but i hadn't been to the Midlands for years, so decided to go.

Friday was spent packing then straight after school we had the dentist. Traffic was horrendous so it took 45 minutes just to get to Torquay! Still managed a quick cuppa at home before Mom picked us up though.

My Mom has a suburu so with my brother's uni stuff in the boot had to put our luggage by our feet. No idea how i squeezed both our clothes etc in a rucksack! Me, littlun and my niece resembled Sardines crammed in the back seat.

Long journeys bore me to death so i occupied myself tweeting and listening to The Saw Doctors. Only me and my babe sang along though which i found utterly unacceptable! Haha.

Mom practically had to crowbar us out at the services but it was well worth it as we crossed the bridge and got KFC. The service wasn't brilliant and we got rained on but i made the sacrifice for a Toasted Twister Meal. So yummy.

My relief arriving at my Auntie's with our circulation intact was short-lived. In her 9 year old wisdom, my lovely niece thought it would be a good idea to put an open juice carton and sticky sweets in the bag with our coats. It was a right mess plus she'd left sweet wrappers and junk in the car. Littlun got the blame for that too which set me off because it had nothing to do with her.
Superb start to the weekend!

Saturday didn't start well. The only cereal in the house was those pathetic little boxes which are totally pointless and my partner called saying the electric key wouldn't work. While i was telling him to call EDF, Mom was going on that she was ready to go out. In the end i told them i couldn't do everything at once and burst into tears!
It's weird really because I'm not a crier. It was only 8.30 though and i hadn't even had chance to brush my teeth or have a cup of tea.

Finally i made it out the door and we went to Hooty's. Somehow i managed to spend £52 in there. Oh well, i have a new ted and a travel pillow!! Next stop Sainsburys in Bentley Bridge. It was dead quiet. All i can think is it isn't as popular up there because there are so many other supermarkets to choose from.
Don't worry, i made sure to buy a big box of Frosties and got a free bowl - bonus!

Littlun insisted on pointing out all the people in Wolves shirts as if it made no sense they would be there. Meanwhile she's walking around in her Torquay away shirt. What else would you expect someone to wear in Wolverhampton!! Geography is clearly beyond her comprehension.

My Auntie was at a line dancing social event at Tamworth Castle, so after munching mini pizza and chips for lunch, Mom decided to drag us to that. My brother got to stay behind which hardly seems fair.

Meanwhile, i made a call to EDF and arranged for a replacement key to be picked up from Co-op. Called Mark with the reference number but he was at the footie so told him to ask his mum to collect it. He would still have to slot it in our machine to register before he could top it up though. To be fair it seems like a right hassle but that was the best i could do hundreds of miles away!

Anyway we set off out again with no idea how to get there. The whole experience was traumatic. First of all the SatNav took us on the M6 toll, so we had to scrabble around for change, then Mom missed the exit on a roundabout. Unlike a normal person, who would go around and try again, my Mom thought it would be better to cut across 2 lanes of traffic! We still missed it and i think i may have screamed a little!

The afternoon was pretty pleasant when we finally made it. The kids joined in so i sat in the sun trying to keep track of the action at Plainmoor. Torquay drew but, typically, i missed an absolute goal fest as it finished 3-3. For future reference, Mark's goal updates are rubbish!

Thankfully we avoided the toll on the way back.

Just about gulped down a cuppa before heading out to Mom's cousin's daughter's 11th birthday party. Our family is very close so it isn't as distant and complicated as it sounds.
Supplying me with vodka and coke was a bad idea. I posted on my partner's Facebook how much i loved him and nearly broke the lights playing Just Dance on the Wii. Of course me and littlun destroyed everyone on that.

We arrived home about 1am I'm told. I vaguely recall putting arnica cream on my child's bottom  where she'd fallen off the trampoline, but the rest is a blur. Shame on me!

Amazingly i felt no worse for wear the next morning, despite having to be up insanely early.
The journey to Wales wasn't too bad, apart from one place where the skyline was full of factory chimneys. They were all pumping out steam or smoke that smelt terrible. It cannot be good for the locals breathing that in every day.

Funnily enough it rained the whole time we were in Wales. By the time we reached Bangor it was torrential. My brother's peer mentor was great though and met us to tell us where to go to get keys etc and there were loads of helpers around if you needed them.
When i went to uni we were just left to our own devices so i think it's really nice that Bangor offered so much support to the freshers.

So his hall is called Reichel which is pronounced with a phlegmy sound in the middle. To be fair the whole place looked really lovely. Once I'd helped him connect his laptop to ResNet we left. Then came back as he had left a bag in the car! Haha.

Yes, i blubbed, don't judge me. It's hard knowing i won't see him until New Year now.

All of us were hungry and thirsty so we drove through MacDonalds. With my Mom's erratic driving, it was a mistake to order tea since it ended up sloshing onto my lap. Some places are too delicate to be scalded. Not a fun experience for me.

The scenic route back through the mountains was beautiful. The girls had fun spotting the waterfalls and sheep. The lack of radio or phone reception was an issue though. I couldn't even go to sleep like the children because i needed to keep Mom company.

As was the theme of the weekend, we packed the car at my Auntie's, had a drink then left for home.

Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful to catch up with family and to see my younger brother off to uni, but i was seriously relieved to see the Devon sign. It sounds silly but you can almost smell the air getting cleaner as you drive south of Bristol.

On a parting note, the littlun seemed to be the most excited by the football grounds she'd seen. We may not have gone in any but we passed the homes of Wolves, Walsall (The surrounding area did not look appealing there.), Bilston, Bangor, Shrewsbury (Totally in the middle of nowhere!) and Villa.

We still love Plainmoor the best though. :)

Job Hunting

So far i have been seriously looking for work since January. Before then i was keeping an eye out but not to the extent i am now.
My daughter was 3 when i was made redundant and, since my partner had left at that point, the situation was very difficult. Initially it wasn't too bad claiming income support while i sorted myself out, but then time drags on. My babe started full-time school and, whilst it is nice sometimes to have the day to yourself, the novelty soon wears off.

For the record, i am looking at full and part time positions because, although during school hours would be ideal , i understand that this isn't always possible. Luckily i have friends and family that would step in with regards to school so I'm not concerned with childcare. However, i won't do evenings or Saturdays. By the way, i am not being fussy, i just refuse to miss out on my daughter's entire young life. She is my only one i love her and i want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Obviously working late and at weekends works for some people , and I'm not criticising them, but it would make me miserable. I know full well that i wouldn't be able to handle it.
Anyway, i always get the local paper but there hasn't been anything i can apply for in months. Now that it is weekly instead of daily it is a waste of time to be honest.
There are several websites, that i have subscribed to, who email you suitable jobs based on your cv. Unfortunately, most of them are too far away to be suitable.
Every day i do an online job search where i go through various different websites such as the NHS. Following this i go on direct.gov. Most of the time i find at least 2 or 3 vacancies here that i can actually apply for.

Sadly the jobcentre is not great. We joke and call it the job(less)centre but this is the truth. Very rarely do i find anything at all on their search machines, and the fortnightly appointments are pointless. The whole building is like a soulless void of misery and despair! Dramatic but accurate. Coming out you feel like totally giving up!

Having suffered from depression in the past, it is really important i stay positive, which is becoming increasingly difficult. Every morning i feel hopeful that today is the day when my luck will change, then with every rejection some of my confidence disappears. It's almost as if a part of me dies every time i am told I'm not good enough.

There is no sense to it either. I have 11 GCSEs, 3 A-levels and did a degree. Since having my daughter I've completed home learning courses and gained IAB Level 2 in Book-keeping and Accounts. My friend and i learnt first aid for adults and children because it seemed like something that could be useful. My references are really good too.
Every position i apply for i know that i can do but clearly the employers don't agree! Even Asda have turned me down for goodness' sake!! You can only imagine how fed up i am of hearing that I'm over-qualified etc!

All i want is to support myself and my family and to actually do something with my life.

Thank God i have a beautiful little girl who makes it all worthwhile.