Broken

Writing my last blog post was really tough but it has made me realise that I need to act. Having suffered from depression in the past I recognise the signs and they don't bode well.

The last time was brutal. Even now I have no idea why that started! I had actually just begun treatment when my partner left us. I did not see it coming so the whole situation knocked me for 6. So whilst his going was not the initial cause it made everything 10 times worse.

All of sudden I was a single parent and had no money as my partner had total control of the finances. Luckily I was working and managed to arrange tax credits etc but it was Christmas and my family had all gone to my Auntie's in the Midlands. Therefore, I couldn't pay the bills or buy food etc and was all alone.

Worst of all he had waited until I was at Christingle with our daughter to write a letter and leave. Christmas day was horrendous trying to pretend for our daughter's sake. It later came to light that practically everyone we knew had been aware he was seeing someone else but kept it from me. I felt isolated, betrayed and my self-esteem took a real battering.

The woman he left me for had actually slept with my best friend's husband 2 years earlier and was a horrid person. She would send texts and voicemails saying awful things and my partner made things very difficult also.

I did see someone else for a while but he decided that my birthday was a good time to dump me. The reason he gave was that he hated my daughter! That was the most hurtful thing about it all really. Then in the Autumn I lost my job. When events keep pushing you down it is incredibly difficult to keep fighting and claw yourself out of that hole.

However, I did get there in the end. You can't imagine the satisfaction of being taken off anti-depressants and going to your last counselling session.
When my partner moved back in and immediately cheated again I initially resorted to drinking. Then realised that I had to put my foot down and take control. Things with him aren't ideal but are ok now.

They say money doesn't buy happiness but that's rubbish! I would be euphoric if I could afford to heat my house. I would love to start Christmas shopping but I need to wait until I can get a Provident loan! My car needs an MOT in December and needs so much work doing.

My landlady is being a nightmare lately and keeps moaning at me but I only get money once a fortnight so there's nothing I can do to pay her quicker. It's a situation I can do nothing about.

My baby isn't sleeping due to bad dreams and is seeing a specialist about that. I have tried to deal with it but nothing has worked. So now I feel terribly guilty about that.

As an intelligent person, not having anything to do all day is not a good thing. I need to be doing something! Easier said than done though. Most of the time when I apply for jobs I don't even get a reply. This is not the recipe for happiness when you already have self-confidence issues.

So, you see, I know what my problems are but I can't fix them. I am not insane!

My trip to the doctor today was ridiculous. Apparently I have no reason to be depressed because I have a lovely daughter. Clearly I love her and she is amazing but sadly there are things in life that no amount of love and cuddles can fix.

It's not entirely the fault of the doctor though, since so many people claim to be depressed nowadays. I am worried about the stigma surrounding mental illness but I am not going to be ashamed. Real depression is serious but does not go hand in hand with being suicidal. Personally I would never do that.

I think that maybe if I explain it people would understand and not be so flippant. Getting up every morning is a chore yet it's not laziness. It's just the pure lack of any motivation. I force myself as I have a little girl who relies on me. However, I am tired. I never feel hungry anymore. I find it impossible to really care what I look like. It is as if you are totally detached from the world. Your body is going through  the necessary daily routine but your consciousness is hiding away somewhere. Crying is one thing I hate. It's a weakness. I am not weak.
All the people that say it will be ok and that something good will happen are probably right. Depression doesn't let you believe that. All I see is an endless struggle through one problem after another. I can hardly breathe, I have so much on my shoulders dragging me down. That's how it feels. Right now, I still care enough to worry, which means I have caught it in time. I'm not far off that ambivalence though and that scares me.

There are only so many times you can fall apart before you get to the point where noone can put you back together.