Feeling Worthless

It isn't the first time I've woken up and had a good cry. Lately I am doing that a lot. There's that split second when my eyes open and everything is fine, then all the problems and worries hit. There are things to do though and I am now a master of going through the motions.

The school run gets done, followed by the housework, leaving me the whole day to think. And wallow. And continue the downward spiral into misery and depression.

When I was young I had such plans for my life. Finish school, go to university, get a good job then find the perfect man and have babies. How simple it sounds!
Coming up to my GCSEs I got pneumonia and nearly died. Obviously I didn't but I did have to show up to my exams with inhalers, tablets, tissues and a doctor. You know, the essentials! By some miracle I achieved 11 GCSEs (4 As and 7 Bs). It wasn't really a miracle though because I worked my butt off. Even in hospital I revised and did test papers.

Life just loves to kick you when you're down however. That summer I lost a close friend to meningitis. The worst part was that it all happened while I was in Ireland with my family. I didn't even get chance to go to the funeral. Some friend I was! If I'm honest, I never really dealt with that which is not good, heading into A-levels, when you need to be focused.

God I was so full of myself back then. When people hear that I studied history, geography, maths and chemistry, they assume that I was a) insane or b) that I had no life. Neither of which was true. Four of my evenings were spent at dance classes and during the weekends I worked at Somerfield. I was also lucky enough to have lots of good friends.

Then, my Nan (on my mom's side) passed away. The circumstances of which are written in my previous post about cancer. It was sudden. I did not handle that well.

Not wanting to deviate from what was expected, I carried on. Working, studying, dancing. All the while, in my head, everything was falling apart. My Nan (on dad's side) pulled me along, the constant I needed to get through the day.

Of course, I passed my A-levels (2 As and a B). Chemistry I dropped to just an AS. Academia was never my problem. I knew where I stood with school and it was a distraction from the issues I had. It was unacceptable to allow anyone to see I was less than perfect.
Bully for me, I even managed to carry this on through my degree! Homesickness nearly killed me and falling pregnant did not fit my plan. But, I am a trooper and was determined to graduate. There was no room for failure as far as I was concerned.

Just surviving each day was a struggle but I was so sure that it would be worth it in the end. I should have been rewarded by a comfortable life raising my child in a nice house by now.
Instead, I've had a string of average jobs that have resulted in redundancy (no fault of my own I might add) and currently languish as a full member of the benefits system!

I interact. I laugh. I smile. I sign on once a fortnight and go through endless job applications. What does it all mean really? Am I a mom that my daughter can look up to and be proud of? Am I making and sort of contribution to the world? No. I'm not.
All those years striving for qualifications that count for nothing. Why did I bother? The world wouldn't notice if I no longer walked in it. Essentially my entire existence is worthless. If this is not the case then why am I unemployed?
Dignity and self-respect are not on thwarting cards for me it seems.

My daughter keeps me here. My loved ones? They're important, but they don't need me. My baby is my reason to survive the daily hardships and humiliations. As long as she loves me and still needs me I'll endure. Nothing matters to me but her happiness. When I don't think I have the energy to care anymore, I just focus on her and my heart lifts.

Children have the power to make any problem fade and light up your world. They're a gift.