Broken

Writing my last blog post was really tough but it has made me realise that I need to act. Having suffered from depression in the past I recognise the signs and they don't bode well.

The last time was brutal. Even now I have no idea why that started! I had actually just begun treatment when my partner left us. I did not see it coming so the whole situation knocked me for 6. So whilst his going was not the initial cause it made everything 10 times worse.

All of sudden I was a single parent and had no money as my partner had total control of the finances. Luckily I was working and managed to arrange tax credits etc but it was Christmas and my family had all gone to my Auntie's in the Midlands. Therefore, I couldn't pay the bills or buy food etc and was all alone.

Worst of all he had waited until I was at Christingle with our daughter to write a letter and leave. Christmas day was horrendous trying to pretend for our daughter's sake. It later came to light that practically everyone we knew had been aware he was seeing someone else but kept it from me. I felt isolated, betrayed and my self-esteem took a real battering.

The woman he left me for had actually slept with my best friend's husband 2 years earlier and was a horrid person. She would send texts and voicemails saying awful things and my partner made things very difficult also.

I did see someone else for a while but he decided that my birthday was a good time to dump me. The reason he gave was that he hated my daughter! That was the most hurtful thing about it all really. Then in the Autumn I lost my job. When events keep pushing you down it is incredibly difficult to keep fighting and claw yourself out of that hole.

However, I did get there in the end. You can't imagine the satisfaction of being taken off anti-depressants and going to your last counselling session.
When my partner moved back in and immediately cheated again I initially resorted to drinking. Then realised that I had to put my foot down and take control. Things with him aren't ideal but are ok now.

They say money doesn't buy happiness but that's rubbish! I would be euphoric if I could afford to heat my house. I would love to start Christmas shopping but I need to wait until I can get a Provident loan! My car needs an MOT in December and needs so much work doing.

My landlady is being a nightmare lately and keeps moaning at me but I only get money once a fortnight so there's nothing I can do to pay her quicker. It's a situation I can do nothing about.

My baby isn't sleeping due to bad dreams and is seeing a specialist about that. I have tried to deal with it but nothing has worked. So now I feel terribly guilty about that.

As an intelligent person, not having anything to do all day is not a good thing. I need to be doing something! Easier said than done though. Most of the time when I apply for jobs I don't even get a reply. This is not the recipe for happiness when you already have self-confidence issues.

So, you see, I know what my problems are but I can't fix them. I am not insane!

My trip to the doctor today was ridiculous. Apparently I have no reason to be depressed because I have a lovely daughter. Clearly I love her and she is amazing but sadly there are things in life that no amount of love and cuddles can fix.

It's not entirely the fault of the doctor though, since so many people claim to be depressed nowadays. I am worried about the stigma surrounding mental illness but I am not going to be ashamed. Real depression is serious but does not go hand in hand with being suicidal. Personally I would never do that.

I think that maybe if I explain it people would understand and not be so flippant. Getting up every morning is a chore yet it's not laziness. It's just the pure lack of any motivation. I force myself as I have a little girl who relies on me. However, I am tired. I never feel hungry anymore. I find it impossible to really care what I look like. It is as if you are totally detached from the world. Your body is going through  the necessary daily routine but your consciousness is hiding away somewhere. Crying is one thing I hate. It's a weakness. I am not weak.
All the people that say it will be ok and that something good will happen are probably right. Depression doesn't let you believe that. All I see is an endless struggle through one problem after another. I can hardly breathe, I have so much on my shoulders dragging me down. That's how it feels. Right now, I still care enough to worry, which means I have caught it in time. I'm not far off that ambivalence though and that scares me.

There are only so many times you can fall apart before you get to the point where noone can put you back together.

Feeling Worthless

It isn't the first time I've woken up and had a good cry. Lately I am doing that a lot. There's that split second when my eyes open and everything is fine, then all the problems and worries hit. There are things to do though and I am now a master of going through the motions.

The school run gets done, followed by the housework, leaving me the whole day to think. And wallow. And continue the downward spiral into misery and depression.

When I was young I had such plans for my life. Finish school, go to university, get a good job then find the perfect man and have babies. How simple it sounds!
Coming up to my GCSEs I got pneumonia and nearly died. Obviously I didn't but I did have to show up to my exams with inhalers, tablets, tissues and a doctor. You know, the essentials! By some miracle I achieved 11 GCSEs (4 As and 7 Bs). It wasn't really a miracle though because I worked my butt off. Even in hospital I revised and did test papers.

Life just loves to kick you when you're down however. That summer I lost a close friend to meningitis. The worst part was that it all happened while I was in Ireland with my family. I didn't even get chance to go to the funeral. Some friend I was! If I'm honest, I never really dealt with that which is not good, heading into A-levels, when you need to be focused.

God I was so full of myself back then. When people hear that I studied history, geography, maths and chemistry, they assume that I was a) insane or b) that I had no life. Neither of which was true. Four of my evenings were spent at dance classes and during the weekends I worked at Somerfield. I was also lucky enough to have lots of good friends.

Then, my Nan (on my mom's side) passed away. The circumstances of which are written in my previous post about cancer. It was sudden. I did not handle that well.

Not wanting to deviate from what was expected, I carried on. Working, studying, dancing. All the while, in my head, everything was falling apart. My Nan (on dad's side) pulled me along, the constant I needed to get through the day.

Of course, I passed my A-levels (2 As and a B). Chemistry I dropped to just an AS. Academia was never my problem. I knew where I stood with school and it was a distraction from the issues I had. It was unacceptable to allow anyone to see I was less than perfect.
Bully for me, I even managed to carry this on through my degree! Homesickness nearly killed me and falling pregnant did not fit my plan. But, I am a trooper and was determined to graduate. There was no room for failure as far as I was concerned.

Just surviving each day was a struggle but I was so sure that it would be worth it in the end. I should have been rewarded by a comfortable life raising my child in a nice house by now.
Instead, I've had a string of average jobs that have resulted in redundancy (no fault of my own I might add) and currently languish as a full member of the benefits system!

I interact. I laugh. I smile. I sign on once a fortnight and go through endless job applications. What does it all mean really? Am I a mom that my daughter can look up to and be proud of? Am I making and sort of contribution to the world? No. I'm not.
All those years striving for qualifications that count for nothing. Why did I bother? The world wouldn't notice if I no longer walked in it. Essentially my entire existence is worthless. If this is not the case then why am I unemployed?
Dignity and self-respect are not on thwarting cards for me it seems.

My daughter keeps me here. My loved ones? They're important, but they don't need me. My baby is my reason to survive the daily hardships and humiliations. As long as she loves me and still needs me I'll endure. Nothing matters to me but her happiness. When I don't think I have the energy to care anymore, I just focus on her and my heart lifts.

Children have the power to make any problem fade and light up your world. They're a gift.

Job Hunting

So far i have been seriously looking for work since January. Before then i was keeping an eye out but not to the extent i am now.
My daughter was 3 when i was made redundant and, since my partner had left at that point, the situation was very difficult. Initially it wasn't too bad claiming income support while i sorted myself out, but then time drags on. My babe started full-time school and, whilst it is nice sometimes to have the day to yourself, the novelty soon wears off.

For the record, i am looking at full and part time positions because, although during school hours would be ideal , i understand that this isn't always possible. Luckily i have friends and family that would step in with regards to school so I'm not concerned with childcare. However, i won't do evenings or Saturdays. By the way, i am not being fussy, i just refuse to miss out on my daughter's entire young life. She is my only one i love her and i want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Obviously working late and at weekends works for some people , and I'm not criticising them, but it would make me miserable. I know full well that i wouldn't be able to handle it.
Anyway, i always get the local paper but there hasn't been anything i can apply for in months. Now that it is weekly instead of daily it is a waste of time to be honest.
There are several websites, that i have subscribed to, who email you suitable jobs based on your cv. Unfortunately, most of them are too far away to be suitable.
Every day i do an online job search where i go through various different websites such as the NHS. Following this i go on direct.gov. Most of the time i find at least 2 or 3 vacancies here that i can actually apply for.

Sadly the jobcentre is not great. We joke and call it the job(less)centre but this is the truth. Very rarely do i find anything at all on their search machines, and the fortnightly appointments are pointless. The whole building is like a soulless void of misery and despair! Dramatic but accurate. Coming out you feel like totally giving up!

Having suffered from depression in the past, it is really important i stay positive, which is becoming increasingly difficult. Every morning i feel hopeful that today is the day when my luck will change, then with every rejection some of my confidence disappears. It's almost as if a part of me dies every time i am told I'm not good enough.

There is no sense to it either. I have 11 GCSEs, 3 A-levels and did a degree. Since having my daughter I've completed home learning courses and gained IAB Level 2 in Book-keeping and Accounts. My friend and i learnt first aid for adults and children because it seemed like something that could be useful. My references are really good too.
Every position i apply for i know that i can do but clearly the employers don't agree! Even Asda have turned me down for goodness' sake!! You can only imagine how fed up i am of hearing that I'm over-qualified etc!

All i want is to support myself and my family and to actually do something with my life.

Thank God i have a beautiful little girl who makes it all worthwhile.