Don't Poop on my Parade!

Monday afternoon,at 2pm, I had a job interview.

At present,  I'm a care worker, out in the field but for 3 weeks I've been doing paperwork in the office.  When the job as Branch Co-ordinator was advertised I wasn't sure whether to apply because I have no idea how the computer system works or how to do half of the things involved in the job. After much consideration i figured that I may as well have a go.  What's the worst that could happen?  It's not as if I don't have a job now.

So, my cv was jazzed up a bit from 2 years ago, when I last used it, and emailed off to recruitment.  In all honesty,  even getting an interview was an achievement in my eyes,  given my lack of experience. 
Despite feeling like I had nothing to lose, the hours leading up to 2pm, left me slightly frazzled.  Nervous was not the word!

The actual interview is a bit of a blur.  Steve,  the HR Director,  was very friendly but, for some bizarre reason, I couldn't stop myself from talking!  I was chattering away and gesticulating like someone possessed!!!! Coming out an hour later I felt it had gone terribly.  I was so disappointed in myself and felt like I'd come across as a bit of a crazy person.

At work this morning,  I discovered that the decision had been made yesterday and that Steve would be calling everyone today. My close friend, Esa, is our manager in the south west so she knew who had the job but wasn't allowed to tell me! That must have been so difficult for her.

Imagine my extreme surprise when I received the call offering me the position!!! Naturally,  I was proud and astonished that he'd seen past my verbal diarrhoea! I don't start until the new year but I'll have to train before then,  of course.

Everyone in the office and the majority of the carers have been really happy for me bar one. He has been at Ark for a long time and can be weird but we've always got along ok. He found out that I was successful and immediately "unfriended" me on Facebook!  Not only that but has completely blocked me! His lack of friendship doesn't particularly bother me but his attitude really got up my nose. Why couldn't he just be happy for me?  Everyone knows that life has not been fun and games for me lately and I really needed the boost but instead he has been a total moron and put a right dampener on my good mood. How pathetic can one person be?

I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad though.  I work hard and earned this chance all on my own so he can just do one! So, to anyone who feels threatened or put out by my success, I say "Keep it to yourself and don't poop on my parade!"

Benefit House

Sometimes you watch a programme on tv and it surprises you and changes your perspective.  This show did not do that. At all! It confirmed what I already knew, that there are lazy scroungers in the world who don't want to work for anything.
Who can blame them though when they can bring in £80000 a year by just having children left, right and centre?! Every family featured in the show was demanding larger council houses for their big families not even considering spending a little extra and private renting to allow the children to live more comfortably.  Not one of the parents mentioned trying to look for work either so clearly have no intention of coming off benefits. 

Mark and I work around 70 hours a week between us for a mere fraction of what these people bring in. We receive no help from the government whatsoever.  To me this is a slap in the face. Having been on income support myself for a while I do understand that benefits are important but the families on this show are blatantly abusing the system.  Why are they constantly having children when they aren't supporting those that they have?

One man has 26 children with different women and claimed he is better than most Dads because he threw one of the kids a party and was there videoing it. Not being funny but Mark has been there for Emma every birthday and every Christmas since she was born.  That's not even mentioning all the rest of the time he spends with her.  Unlike the parents on this programme,  we raise and support our daughter and set her the example that you should work for whatever you want. I would hate for her to grow up thinking that living on benefits your whole life is the way to go.

We're on the right track with her though because she was outraged by the fact that tax is taken from us to support these people.  Personally,  I find it incredibly demoralising thinking about how hard we work and what a struggle it is to make ends meet when you have these families exploiting the country and taking the mick out of us, basically. 

There is no way that I would choose to be like them. What infuriates me the most with them is that they still believe they deserve more. They want bigger homes and more money and see no reason why they are not entitled to those things.

Nothing will ever change, however,  because the government will continue to enable them whilst punishing the rest of us who actually contribute to the country and the economy. 

And people wonder why I believe our politicians are a complete waste of space! Let's reward laziness shall we?! Plus it's rubbish that they don't have the children for money. Contraception costs nothing.  Don't keep procreating when you can't look after the children you already have!

It's Too Soon!

So much has changed since I started this blog. We've moved 3 times,  got married and been on our first family holiday abroad but the biggest change by far has been in Emma. Our little baby has gone and the child in her place is barely recognisable.
It wasn't that long ago that we would walk to school hand in hand and she would look to me as if I had all the answers.  Sadly,  beginning secondary school life and the appearance of hair in strange places has led her to believe that she is now a woman and, as such, is far wiser than those of us who brought her into the world! 

Where can I find the chapter on puberty in the parenting handbook?  Walking to school must be done with her mates,  heaven forbid she should be seen with me.  Don't get me wrong,  there are still times when she reverts to being our babe and wants kissing goodnight or cuddles on the sofa and we'll always have football,  but these occasions become more rare with each passing day.

It's all snap chat, Facebook and YouTube these days,  in between the xbox and doing "stuff" with her mates. One thing I can say is that she's still a star at school and has done all her homework without being asked so I try not to feel completely despondent.  I suppose I feel the same way as parents the world over but it's so hard. You can't help feeling like the years are passing too quickly which,  in turn,  leads you to the realisation that you are getting old.

Having freedom to do more myself now that Emma is more independent is nice. It's just a shame that we can't have the best of both worlds.  We're lucky with her,  I know,  and love her dearly but it's sad. Hopefully,  by now,  we've taught her enough and raised her well enough to give her a good foundation for this part of her life.

What more can we do? Our child is growing up no matter how hard I try to stop it

It's A Nice Day For A ....... Yellow Wedding?!

So, it was around this time 2 years ago that Mark finally asked me to marry him. We've been through a lot together since our first date on 2nd October 2001 so we can definitely say we knew each other inside out before we took the plunge,  as they say.  The funny thing is, I never realised how much I wanted to get married until he asked me.

I would love to sit here and say I wasn't like every other woman in the world who turns into a crazy person when planning a wedding but I can't because I was an absolute mental case! Far too much money was spent on wedding magazines and hours wasted on wedding programmes when,  at the end of the day,  we had no intention of following the crowd in any way. 

The choice of venue was a no-brainer. It had to be the Torquay United Stadium. Football is our religion and Plainmoor is our Church,  you get the picture. Not people to do things by halves,  we immersed ourselves in the Torquay United theme and so everything was yellow and blue.
Abbot Coach Travel were great and gave us a deal on a coach for our guests and car for me. Don't ask me what model of car as I have no idea but I can tell you it was a fancy silver one, with yellow ribbon obviously.  From the start I'd decided on a yellow dress and we wanted blue suits with yellow waistcoats and ties. Yellow button holes,  yellow handkerchiefs,  yellow and blue posies and bouquet etc etc. My friends were very helpful and made my invites with me - yellow outside,  blue inside,  blue ribbon. They also got roped in to the favour making - some yellow bags, some blue,  blue chocolate balls and yellow rock with either Mr & Mrs or Just Married on them. Mark and I made our own 3 tier cake decorated with icing footballs and boots and little yellow and blue flowers then wrapped yellow and blue strips of ribbon around each tier. The cake topper was fun with the bride and groom playing football.
Name cards and table labels were all on yellow card in the shape of football shirts, with the table names being different Torquay players. The top table was the Directors Box, naturally.  Our table plan was a green pitch with the yellow footie kits representing the tables. Even I was impressed by how cool that looked. Hanging on the door was a Torquay Shirt with Mark & Vicki 15-06-13 printed on the back. 

When you watch all these shows on tv, the brides are always stressy but I wasn't at all. Everything went smoothly.  Palm FM mentioned us on air in the morning which was really cool actually.  Our daughter,  Emma,  and my sister,  Emily,  looked gorgeous in their blue bridesmaid's dresses.  Emma was brilliant because she had a reading to do during the ceremony and recited it by heart as the registrar had forgotten the book! Emma walked me down the aisle to Amazed  by Lonestar.

Of course we had our group photos in the stands then just the wedding party on the pitch. The photos did go on a little long though because we had our own photographer and the Torquay United photographer asking us to do different shots but nothing could ruin our day.
Callum, the Torquay chef, did a fabulous job on the buffet and setting up the tables etc as we ate in the same room that we had the ceremony.  Yes,  you guessed it, the seat covers had yellow ribbon apart from our chairs that had blue.

We weren't terribly original with our first dance - Still the One by Shania Twain but it fit us well.  Chris,  the best man,  made a good speech then Mark did one which was really lovely. Then we got drunk and partied!

The coach came and picked up all the guests at midnight so that Mark and I could wander down the road to spend the night at the Seabury. By the way that was a marvellous b&b that did a decent breakfast in the morning. 

Everything about the day was absolutely perfect.  I didn't even care that my parents and my mom's family decided not to come. Everyone that mattered was there. Plus the Herald Express did an article on our wedding because it was the first at Plainmoor and we get to see pictures on the big screen every home game as they use them for events publicity.

Hands down best day ever!

All Aboard The Ark!

So, it's been an awfully long time since I last posted but I have been incredibly busy. Most importantly,  I finally rejoined the working world! I think I had applied for literally every job available and been rejected when one of my best friends suggested that I work for her.  Now, she had mentioned before that she would give me a job but I honestly didn't think that I would be able to do it.  At this point though there wasn't really a choice, I couldn't spend another day at home feeling sorry for myself!

Ark Home Health Care are a national company,  my friend is south west regional manager. At the time she was still only the branch manager in Torbay.  Well,  after doing a week of Induction training I went off shadowing one of the other care workers and haven't looked back since.  I absolutely love my job! 

Care work isn't for everybody but, in it, I have found my niche.  My start was a rocky one,  however.  One particular lady took a dislike to me from the get go, insisting that I was an uneducated (being as I was new), immoral ( having a daughter whilst unmarried), gold-digger ( saying Mark was in his 50s and I was in my 20s). I felt the need to point out that I was, in fact, very well educated, had been with my partner for 11 years and that  I was was 30 and my partner was 47. She phoned the office the next day claiming that I had poured acid on her face! Then another woman slapped me around the face and spat on me. There was an incident which ended up with me being covered head to toe in diarrhea, which was probably an all time low, but I've lived to tell the tale!

I suppose that it's like any other job involving the public in that you meet some wonderful people as well as some rude ones but thankfully we don't have too many of the latter. My regular service users are all fab, of course.

From fairly early on I realised that I wanted to make social care my career rather than just a job and enrolled in NVQ level 3. It's called QCF now but no one ever gets what I'm talking about if I tell them that.  Linda, the assessor, visited today to pick up two assignments i had completed and give me a couple more to do. Learning is so much fun when it's something you're interested in and it's your personal choice to do it. Linda loves me, she tells me how great my work is all the time, which is always a good boost for the confidence. 

For the past 3 weeks,  most of my time has been spent in the office going through every scrap of paper work to either file it correctly or archive it. You have no idea how time consuming that is! Anything over 5 years old can go in the confidential waste bin and I filled it and had to call for collection several times so far. Archiving has to be boxed and a list made of everything that's in there if we should need to produce it for the CQC (Care Quality Commission) or for any legal proceedings so it's all numbered. I honestly have no idea how I ended up being roped in but I don't mind because being in the office has been a nice change.

Our Care Co-ordinator, Becky,  is going on maternity leave soon and last week a letter was sent advertising the job to cover her while she's off. After much debate with Esa, my boss, and a lot of internal contemplation I decided I would apply. 
It occurred to me that I know all the carers in Brixham as well as the service users, I get on really well with the office staff and I can learn to use the computer system so I may as well have a go.
Everyone thought that loads of the care workers would apply but there were 2 external candidates,  me and a woman who only started working for Ark a few months ago when we took over the Guinness care company.

My interview is next Monday at 2pm.  Wish me luck!

Squeaky Bum Time :)

At this point in the football season teams begin to be relegated or promoted and, for those of us involved, every match becomes crucial. I know many people who hate the drama of it but for me it's what being a supporter is all about.

Last season everything was riding on the last game for Torquay. We were glued to Sky Sports, looking at the table 'as it stands', which was insanely nerve-wracking watching us go in and out of the play-offs like a yo-yo! Sadly we ended up losing the final but I'm over it.

It was much the same with Wolves as I sat chewing my nails praying that they would avoid relegation. However, this season has been another trying one. In all honesty I believe that their exit from the Premier League will be confirmed sooner rather than later. Much as I love them I just can't see them clinging on.

On the other hand, Torquay have had another stonker of a season! Nobody is more surprised than me at how well things have gone. Losing our manager and several players made us all apprehensive and staying in the league seemed like the best we could hope for. Yet, here we are on the cusp of automatic promotion! It's true that teams around us have games in hand but the fact that we even have a chance is an unbelievable feeling. Torquay is a small club but everyone involved has fight and passion in abundance and I'm so proud of the lads for making it count. Whatever happens I can say, hand on heart, that they are a pleasure to support.

All in all I am conflicted. The dire situation at Wolves shows no signs of changing, however, the fortunes of Torquay leave me feeling positively jubilant! It has not escaped my notice that there may only be a division difference between my teams next season which I could not have predicted back in August.

There's games to play still though and I football is a rollercoaster. A lot can change in a few weeks. :)

Teamwork

Just a quick post inspired by the dire situation at Wolves at the moment. Jamie O'Hara tweets saying that he ran more than any other premier league player. Great, I'm sure that's true but football is not an individual sport.

Quite simply I think this is a perfect time to bring in the Finding Nemo philosophy. Don't laugh, it makes sense! Remember the part where all the fish are trapped in the fishing net? Well, they're all swimming every which way doing their own thing and getting nowhere. Nemo comes along and tells them all to swim in the same direction. Consequently they manage to achieve the objective and save themselves.

My point is that, whilst the Wolves players might be giving it 100%, they're all directing their efforts towards their own purpose. They need to pull together as a whole instead of an isolated unit and focus on a singular goal.

You see? Disney has all the answers. ;)

Update

Life has been getting in the way since my last post leaving me very little time or motivation to write. No developments on the job front unfortunately, the latest rejection coming from the DWP themselves. I spent over 2 hours doing their competency assessment then a numeracy and literacy test, which I passed. My application survived the first sifting process so, like an idiot, I thought I may actually be lucky this time. However, they turned me down due to my lack of recent work experience. Ironic really. Clearly you can only get a job front if you already have one!

Anyway, that's just more of the same so hardly a surprise. My car failed the MOT on a bundle of things and is now sat gathering rust while I try and save to fix it. The washing machine packed up 2 weeks ago so the laundrette is taking all my money now. Then the boiler decided to leak water through my hall ceiling. My landlord has become unreachable therefore I had to pay to call someone out to fix it. The boiler actually needs replacing but obviously that's not up to me. The council have told me they will withhold the housing benefit until they make contact so I'm just waiting to see what happens.

My daughter's school trip needs paying for too although £85 for 2 days on Dartmoor seems a bit steep to me. Especially considering it's the parents responsibility to transport the children there and back. It's also her 9th birthday in a couple of weeks, just to add to the financial stress.

Money worries I'm used to after all this time but then, during half term, I had physical pain to contend with as well. I've never had tendonitis before but I had heard of it. Still, it surprised me how much it really hurts! My doctor is a sadist I think because she bent and pulled my hand around until I was in agony! I was prescribed painkillers and anti-inflammatories then sent to the hospital for physiotherapy. There is still some discomfort in the joint but it feels much better thankfully. For future reference, wearing a wrist splint is almost as bad as the injury itself. It gets in the way something awful.

This afternoon I'll be plodding off to the jobcentre to sign on but now that I'm on the working links program they'll literally just get me to sign and go. It's not ideal but nevermind.
Right now I plan to watch some tv and read my book. I live life in the fast lane, it's true

Dreams

Dreams are fascinating things. My daughter and I dream in colour and remember them vividly. This is great for happy ones but with nightmares it would probably be better to forget them!
Anyway, of late the littlun has not been sleeping properly due to bad dreams and, although she is seeing the doctor about this, I decided to look into it myself.

Dream interpretation has been around for centuries! In ancient Egypt and Greece they believed it was a form of divine communication and had specific temples that dreamers attended to predict omens or cure sickness.

Medieval Islamic psychology suggest that some dreams may be true, some ran in families and others were false and meaningless. In 16th century China they also studied the dream phenomena.
As for Europe, one of the first men to examine interpretation was Thomas Browne in the 17th century but the area of study really took off in the 19th century with Sigmund Freud. He described dreams as the "disguised fulfilment of repressed wishes".

Carl Jung developed the Freud theory further by dividing dreams into 2 catergories. Objective, where people within represent themselves, and subjective, where the characters are actually a part of the dreamer's personality and not themselves.

Calvin Hall suggested that, in fact, they were manifestations of personal conceptions. For example, if you saw a cat in a dream it was telling you that there is more than one way to do something.

Nowadays you can get dream dictionaries and do-it-yourself books, like those written by Ann Faraday in the 70s. These tend to be very literal. So, failing an exam within a dream could mean you need to prepare better for those in your waking life.

Then during the 80s and 90s Wallace Clift and Jean Dalby Clift simply said that your dreams consist of events etc that are on your mind whilst awake.

The ideas of Professor Antti Revonsuo and Keith Stevens are very interesting. They both conclude that dreams are a practice run for real life in a way. You are basically rehearsing your instinctual reactions so, should events occur in the future, you know what to do.
Stevens also went on to say that our dreams are important to our development. Dreams of sex and relationships leave the desire to procreate etc whereas those that highlight your social or economic status either make you feel content with your life or incite the need to better yourself.

Now, I have had some bizarre dreams in my time but for a lot of them Freud makes sense. Lately in my dreams I have plenty of money and a big house. Enough said!

My neighbour literally found it hysterical when I told her the Islamic theory about dreams following a genetic path. However, I have personal experience of this.
Between the ages of 7 and 8 I had a recurring dream of 3 men standing at the end of my bed. They were black, wearing bright white suits with beaming white smiles but no eyes. Before anyone starts it's not a racist thing. I was not scared by them. Seeing them made me feel peace.
My younger brother had the exact same dream when he was around the same age. Ok, so it was slightly creepy and noone could figure out what the dream even meant.
Imagine my surprise when my daughter gets up one morning and tells me about the dream she had which was also exactly the same! Since then though I have come up with an explanation of sorts. I went back through my diaries to look at events happening around us at these times. For me, they lasted a year, during which time my grandads both passed away. My brother's occurred before and after the death of our nan and my daughter had these dreams before and after the death of my other nan. Not being deeply religious I am reluctant to call the figures angels, however, I do think that they were sent from somewhere both to prepare us for the loss and to give us peace afterwards.

I also agree with Stevens to an extent due to the fact that I did dream about being a mother beforehand and have had dreams of car accidents and fires etc where I have had to deal with the situation and protect my loved ones.

Anyway, I started this for my daughter but still can't really figure her out. Basically the main nightmare she has is being buried alive and having worms etc crawling over her while she is rotting away. Horrible, I know! Freud's theory doesn't fit and clearly this is not a life rehearsal. If you listen to Jung then it would suggest that she has homicidal tendencies! That's ridiculous. Going by the work of Hill it could imply lack of trust in her family that we would let that happen to her. Obviously, I hope this is not the case.
The doctor and myself agree that she is very fearful of death, in general, both her own and other people's. We are working with her on this. Also, it seems she feels lonely much of the time. Despite being surrounded by family and friends, she is an only child and did have an imaginary friend when she was younger. She treats her teddies etc like living entities a lot of the time too. She told the doctor in her latest visit that she didn't want to die alone.

After my research and the discussion with my baby's doctor I think that she can't dissociate her life from her dreams therefore worries about it even when she's awake. It's horrendous really considering she is so young. I suppose that the fact that her dad is older may increase the thoughts of death and loss but, in all honesty, I really don't know.

Broken

Writing my last blog post was really tough but it has made me realise that I need to act. Having suffered from depression in the past I recognise the signs and they don't bode well.

The last time was brutal. Even now I have no idea why that started! I had actually just begun treatment when my partner left us. I did not see it coming so the whole situation knocked me for 6. So whilst his going was not the initial cause it made everything 10 times worse.

All of sudden I was a single parent and had no money as my partner had total control of the finances. Luckily I was working and managed to arrange tax credits etc but it was Christmas and my family had all gone to my Auntie's in the Midlands. Therefore, I couldn't pay the bills or buy food etc and was all alone.

Worst of all he had waited until I was at Christingle with our daughter to write a letter and leave. Christmas day was horrendous trying to pretend for our daughter's sake. It later came to light that practically everyone we knew had been aware he was seeing someone else but kept it from me. I felt isolated, betrayed and my self-esteem took a real battering.

The woman he left me for had actually slept with my best friend's husband 2 years earlier and was a horrid person. She would send texts and voicemails saying awful things and my partner made things very difficult also.

I did see someone else for a while but he decided that my birthday was a good time to dump me. The reason he gave was that he hated my daughter! That was the most hurtful thing about it all really. Then in the Autumn I lost my job. When events keep pushing you down it is incredibly difficult to keep fighting and claw yourself out of that hole.

However, I did get there in the end. You can't imagine the satisfaction of being taken off anti-depressants and going to your last counselling session.
When my partner moved back in and immediately cheated again I initially resorted to drinking. Then realised that I had to put my foot down and take control. Things with him aren't ideal but are ok now.

They say money doesn't buy happiness but that's rubbish! I would be euphoric if I could afford to heat my house. I would love to start Christmas shopping but I need to wait until I can get a Provident loan! My car needs an MOT in December and needs so much work doing.

My landlady is being a nightmare lately and keeps moaning at me but I only get money once a fortnight so there's nothing I can do to pay her quicker. It's a situation I can do nothing about.

My baby isn't sleeping due to bad dreams and is seeing a specialist about that. I have tried to deal with it but nothing has worked. So now I feel terribly guilty about that.

As an intelligent person, not having anything to do all day is not a good thing. I need to be doing something! Easier said than done though. Most of the time when I apply for jobs I don't even get a reply. This is not the recipe for happiness when you already have self-confidence issues.

So, you see, I know what my problems are but I can't fix them. I am not insane!

My trip to the doctor today was ridiculous. Apparently I have no reason to be depressed because I have a lovely daughter. Clearly I love her and she is amazing but sadly there are things in life that no amount of love and cuddles can fix.

It's not entirely the fault of the doctor though, since so many people claim to be depressed nowadays. I am worried about the stigma surrounding mental illness but I am not going to be ashamed. Real depression is serious but does not go hand in hand with being suicidal. Personally I would never do that.

I think that maybe if I explain it people would understand and not be so flippant. Getting up every morning is a chore yet it's not laziness. It's just the pure lack of any motivation. I force myself as I have a little girl who relies on me. However, I am tired. I never feel hungry anymore. I find it impossible to really care what I look like. It is as if you are totally detached from the world. Your body is going through  the necessary daily routine but your consciousness is hiding away somewhere. Crying is one thing I hate. It's a weakness. I am not weak.
All the people that say it will be ok and that something good will happen are probably right. Depression doesn't let you believe that. All I see is an endless struggle through one problem after another. I can hardly breathe, I have so much on my shoulders dragging me down. That's how it feels. Right now, I still care enough to worry, which means I have caught it in time. I'm not far off that ambivalence though and that scares me.

There are only so many times you can fall apart before you get to the point where noone can put you back together.

Feeling Worthless

It isn't the first time I've woken up and had a good cry. Lately I am doing that a lot. There's that split second when my eyes open and everything is fine, then all the problems and worries hit. There are things to do though and I am now a master of going through the motions.

The school run gets done, followed by the housework, leaving me the whole day to think. And wallow. And continue the downward spiral into misery and depression.

When I was young I had such plans for my life. Finish school, go to university, get a good job then find the perfect man and have babies. How simple it sounds!
Coming up to my GCSEs I got pneumonia and nearly died. Obviously I didn't but I did have to show up to my exams with inhalers, tablets, tissues and a doctor. You know, the essentials! By some miracle I achieved 11 GCSEs (4 As and 7 Bs). It wasn't really a miracle though because I worked my butt off. Even in hospital I revised and did test papers.

Life just loves to kick you when you're down however. That summer I lost a close friend to meningitis. The worst part was that it all happened while I was in Ireland with my family. I didn't even get chance to go to the funeral. Some friend I was! If I'm honest, I never really dealt with that which is not good, heading into A-levels, when you need to be focused.

God I was so full of myself back then. When people hear that I studied history, geography, maths and chemistry, they assume that I was a) insane or b) that I had no life. Neither of which was true. Four of my evenings were spent at dance classes and during the weekends I worked at Somerfield. I was also lucky enough to have lots of good friends.

Then, my Nan (on my mom's side) passed away. The circumstances of which are written in my previous post about cancer. It was sudden. I did not handle that well.

Not wanting to deviate from what was expected, I carried on. Working, studying, dancing. All the while, in my head, everything was falling apart. My Nan (on dad's side) pulled me along, the constant I needed to get through the day.

Of course, I passed my A-levels (2 As and a B). Chemistry I dropped to just an AS. Academia was never my problem. I knew where I stood with school and it was a distraction from the issues I had. It was unacceptable to allow anyone to see I was less than perfect.
Bully for me, I even managed to carry this on through my degree! Homesickness nearly killed me and falling pregnant did not fit my plan. But, I am a trooper and was determined to graduate. There was no room for failure as far as I was concerned.

Just surviving each day was a struggle but I was so sure that it would be worth it in the end. I should have been rewarded by a comfortable life raising my child in a nice house by now.
Instead, I've had a string of average jobs that have resulted in redundancy (no fault of my own I might add) and currently languish as a full member of the benefits system!

I interact. I laugh. I smile. I sign on once a fortnight and go through endless job applications. What does it all mean really? Am I a mom that my daughter can look up to and be proud of? Am I making and sort of contribution to the world? No. I'm not.
All those years striving for qualifications that count for nothing. Why did I bother? The world wouldn't notice if I no longer walked in it. Essentially my entire existence is worthless. If this is not the case then why am I unemployed?
Dignity and self-respect are not on thwarting cards for me it seems.

My daughter keeps me here. My loved ones? They're important, but they don't need me. My baby is my reason to survive the daily hardships and humiliations. As long as she loves me and still needs me I'll endure. Nothing matters to me but her happiness. When I don't think I have the energy to care anymore, I just focus on her and my heart lifts.

Children have the power to make any problem fade and light up your world. They're a gift.

The Remote Is Mine!

And so it begins.

The daily war over who gets to watch what they want on tv! Mornings go fairly smoothly. Noone wants to deal with my moodiness at the start of the day so I win. Since I am the only person home during the day, I retain dominance over daytime tv. However, the evenings become a constant battle of wills between the three of us.

To be honest, the babe normally gets to watch her Disney Channel shows or some other tripe after school. This is simply due to the fact that I am usually organizing dinner and sorting her school bag etc.

It is when you add the man of the house to the mix that the situation is complicated. Viewing then depends on what mood the littlun is in and how badly we want to keep the peace. Us adults prefer programs such as Eggheads whereas our darling daughter likes The Simpsons. Personally I cannot stand it but 9 times out of 10 she wins. If she chooses to dispute the decision it involves her talking constantly so we can't even hear the tv anyway! You see the problem here?

Moving on to bedtime it should be easy for us to agree. It is not. If there is live sport on then I lean in that direction. Obviously. If there is a show on that we watch regularly then I am happy to work around that and to flick in the adverts. My partner is always difficult though. He insists on putting on some random episode of CSI, or another such show. I fail to see the point as we have watched most of them a multitude of times. Plus I have very little interest in any of the home makeover rubbish he likes. Why do I need to know how to do these things? I have him or Dad to deal with that side of life.

Last night was typical for us. I was enjoying the Man City match and he was on the pc. As it comes up to half time his hand begins to hover near the remote. Of course I attempt to perform the old 'cuddle and swipe' maneuver but he was on to me. Much frustration on my part!

Thereby ensues a war of sorts. I grumble. Mark tells me to shut up. Followed by various psychological little digs that still ends with him possessing the controls and me empty handed.
The physical altercations only begin once all avenues have been explored. His pure size means that wrestling and fighting would only leave one winner. My tactics are childish, I admit, but it allows me to level the playing field.

So I licked my finger and stuck it in his ear. No luck. I poked him in the arm. Didn't work. He shoved the remote in his pants. No way I was going in there! I made spit balls. He sat on me and broke wind. Now I never agreed to chemical warfare! It's last resort time. I smother him with one of his own rank, stinky socks.

Aha, victory!
Too late though because the football had finished. :(

The Beautiful Game

This week's football has been bizarre, if I'm honest, and not just due to the random results. The highs and lows, I've experienced, in just over a week are unbelievable really. Of course the emphatic nature of the Manchester and, indeed, the Chelsea loss were dramatic. Merely I sideshow from my perspective though.

I'm not really the go-to person for match reports so I won't even attempt to get technical! What I can do, however, is tell you what I think and how I feel.

First up was Wolves v Swansea. The early kick off meant I watched some at home followed by a run down to the in-laws' to see the rest there. (I'm not married but it's easier than saying my partner's mum and step-dad!)
Now I am fairly sure that most Wolves fans will agree, when I say, we have been playing badly. In this game, we were losing 2-0 and I was a hair's breadth from an outpouring of profanity! Swearing is prohibited around the in-laws so you can imagine my relief when we scored. Twice! There may have been some shouting and jumping around in there too. The team didn't deserve the draw but who cares? They did the business and got a point on the board. Some fans still weren't happy but isn't that always the way? As a 'glass half full' person I saw it as progress.

Then followed a mad dash home for Soccer Saturday. On to Southend v Torquay. Much like Wolves, Torquay had been stuck in a rut without a win. They chose not to alter that situation here. Our defense has been so leaky I was actually pleased it stayed 0-0 for a while! Sadly it didn't last long and we lost 4-1. To be fair though, Southend are flying so it wasn't exactly a shocker.

Naturally, Twitter was a-buzz that evening with the fans of both teams calling for the managers to be sacked and players being slated. All this reactionist panic is so pointless and counter-productive. Adding pressure to your manager and players is hardly likely to incite an improvement in performance! How would we feel if we had a bad day at work, then had to deal with threats and insults for days on end? Surely as fans we should accept that they're already embarrassed and want to turn things around as much as we do.

Admittedly, seeing the top clubs failing disastrously helped increase my optimism. Every team messes up at some point. That said, Sunday's football was as entertaining as I've seen in a good long while.

So, positivity was the name of the game heading in to Tuesday's clash between Torquay and AFC Wimbeldon. Me and my daughter made the trip as usual, and had the pleasure of meeting some fellow tweeters (@ben_tufcfan and @becka_quantick). Both were lovely people, but then they are Torquay fans so that goes without saying.
Anyway, we went through our pre-match routine of buying food, a program and 50/50 tickets then sat on the steps listening to The Wombles! This amused us no end. For some reason, the goal-keepers decided to warm-up in front of us. ( They don't normally!) Inevitably, a stray ball flew in our direction. I escaped unscathed but littlun's chips went everywhere! The waterworks started. Our stewards are lovely though and very kindly got her another portion of chips. Drama, drama!

The match itself was fantastic. We won 4-0!! It was really cold but we jumped around so much we didn't even notice! Our boys had finally got it together and we were absolutely buzzing. It had been so long since we'd kept a clean sheet even that this win felt phenomenal. Back to winning ways at Plainmoor!

Did I expect Wolves to beat Man City on Wednesday? Honestly, after their demolition of Utd, the answer was 'no'. That didn't stop me from hoping though. Football can throw up surprises now and then. On this occasion it went to form but we did score first and the scoreline wasn't as bad as the Utd match. All positives in my book. The team as a whole played much better than they had been which was fantastic to see.
Anyhow, it was only Carling Cup.

Sorry but I have to mention Soccer Am. Seeing Kevin Nicholson cleaning Lee Mansell's house in just a pinny was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life! He's such a good sport and hopefully has learnt not to make bets in future.

Wolves lost to Man City in the league on Saturday. Once again though we weren't embarrassed and kept the score to 3-1. Not too bad at all. My little family were actually at Plainmoor to watch Torquay v Hereford. Despite absolutely shocking conditions, we pulled off a 2-0 win. In my opinion, it was a good game and keeping another clean sheet was just what the doctor ordered.

My daughter is convinced that the wins are due to us painting our nails, bless her. Personally, I think Ellis has solidified the defense and Stevens is just in top form. Add this to an all round class  showing from the usual suspects and it's a recipe for success. Long may it continue!

My hair was less than impressed, however, as the wind and rain made me look like I had a bird's nest on my head! I hope the team appreciate my suffering!

Sunday and Monday night football on Sky was actually fairly decent viewing as a neutral observer. Obviously not as good as if one of my teams were involved but interesting from a Fantasy Football perspective. The Stoke fans decided to chant just before my baby went to bed though. I think she knew I was fibbing when I told her they were saying "banker"!

Tuesday we chose to watch Arsenal v Marseille and stuck it out to the bitter end. This was some achievement considering the match was horrendously boring! From the clips I have seen of the Barcelona match, I am gutted that we didn't switch over. Little Lionel is always a joy to watch. No other player comes close to matching the skills Messi possesses. Fact.

So that the beautiful game dealt with. This week we're all aboard the "Murray-coaster"! :)

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part V: Otherland

This is a series written by Tad Williams, consisting of 'City of Golden Shadow', 'River of Blue Fire', 'Mountain of Black Glass' and 'Sea of Silver Light'. Once again this is a situation where I enjoyed the books immensely but have not warmed to his other work. Possibly, this is due to the subject matter rather than his writing as the story of "Otherland" is very intriguing.

All four novels are incredibly long so, even for a fast reader like myself, it is quite a mission to get through them. Nevertheless, it is worth the effort if you can stick with it.

The story is set some time in the early 22nd century and revolves around a virtual reality network called the Net. The people of this time log on to this as often as we log on to the internet. This concept is partly why I decided to read this series in the first place.
We live our lives online, thinking nothing of emailing, tweeting, banking etc whenever the mood takes us. Therefore, virtual worlds such as Otherland are not as futuristic as they seem!

As with our internet, people use the Otherland for both work and play, with various simulations. Themes include 'through the looking glass', 'war of the worlds' and 'the wizard of oz', the majority of which are for the purposes of entertainment.

The plot itself is fairly complex so it is difficult ti keep track of who is who and what is what. However, the more you read the more sense you can make of it.

Bizarrely it all starts in the trenches during the second world war, with a soldier named Paul Jonas. Of course, at this point, you are not aware that he is within a simulation. By all accounts, he isn't aware either, until his friends (Finch and Mullet) turn on him. Throughout the novels they are constantly in pursuit as he flees from one world to the next.

Once we are acquainted with Mr Jonas, the tale moves in to the 'real' world and we meet Irene Sulaweyo (Renie). I would say she is the lead character in the saga. Renie is a Virtual Engineering Instructor whose younger brother, Stephen, falls victim to Tangadore Syndrome. It seems that, whilst using the net, something is occurring, causing children everywhere to fall into a coma. Unable to disconnect Stephen, Renie seeks help in the form of French woman Martine, who was involved in the early development of Otherland.

Along with Renie's assistant, !Xabbu, they discover strange goings on and set about investigating.
Meanwhile, Orlando and Sam are competing in the middle country simulation. Orlando joins with the others when Sam is killed in middle country and it is felt in the real world. As a leading contestant he knows that this should not affect the physical body.

Soon enough they all realise that they cannot log off and are effectively trapped moving from world to world. An assassin, John Dread, is sent after them by the Grail Brotherhood (creators/owners of Otherland). They are clearly involved in something sinister and refuse to be exposed.

The mysterious Sellars gathers the characters together and sends them to find, Jonas, in order to set things right. As the search progresses, adventures ensue!

The plot has numerous twists and turns and confusion but I think this actually makes you want to continue reading and solve the puzzle.
What I found fascinating was how many parallels you can draw between their existence and ours. All right, so we aren't chased around by kitchen utensils on a daily basis! What I mean is the technological side. They have virtual engineers, we have web designers. When our children go online or play computer games they turn in to non-responsive zombies, in the books they are in a coma.

So, in short, the internet is bad! I am only joking, of course, as I am online all the time. However, I do think it is wise to spend more time interacting with people face to face. Social media is wonderful and all but actual physical contact is important. Strike a balance between the two. :)

We Were All Created Equal

When i logged onto Twitter this morning, all i could see were tweets regarding Stuart Walker. Having enjoyed a half-term lie-in the news had passed me by. Following the recent deaths of Dan Wheldon and Marco Simoncelli, for some reason, i assumed that another such tragedy had occurred. Now i sit horrified by what i am being told!

A young man (28) is tied to a lamp post, beaten and burned to death! This is a truly sickening act of brutality. The mere thought of it gave me the urge to regurgitate my Frosties! For those of us who are sane human beings, it is impossible to imagine how and why anyone could perform such an atrocity.

On finding out, from my twitter friends, that the motivation behind the killing could well be the young man's sexuality, my sadness has become outright rage! Now i am not given to fits of anger and very rarely lose my temper. However, at this precise moment in time, i am furious!

A few years ago, my brother announced that he was gay. Not being funny but none of us were surprised by this news. It changed absolutely nothing within our family. Why should it? He is the same person he has always been. He is kind and funny and, quite frankly, a wonderful brother.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees this. I have personally witnessed several instances where people have treated him wrongly. Needless to say, when i catch anyone acting like he has a disease or is some sort of freak, they get a piece of my mind! I won't have him put down and judged, whatever the reason.

Being gay or lesbian is not a big deal. You love whoever you love, end of. So my brother is attracted to men, whoopie, me too! I fail to see what the issue is.
In my experience, it is mostly men who have the biggest problem. Even my own partner has made comments about being uncomfortable when my brother stayed over. I hate this attitude and i will not allow prejudice in my home!

If it turns out that Stuart was murdered for being homosexual, then i am disgusted with the perpetrators and do not want them as part of my society. They are nothing but heartless monsters who do not deserve to live alongside decent citizens.

They are the ones who are sick! They are the ones who are freaks of nature! Even animals only kill to survive! There are no words in existence to accurately describe such evil.

My Technological Wilderness

This will lead onto my next post pretty well being as it's all about modern technology but right now i am just having a rant! Sorry.

So, my Mom decided she wanted new lights putting up downstairs and the ceilings re-plastered. Fair enough, it's her house, she can do what she wants. Unfortunately, both my parents work so i was asked to come up and supervise. Ever the dutiful daughter, i say "sure, no problem". What a mistake that was!

It was only supposed to take one day but, predictably, the job wasn't as simple as it was first thought. Considering that the house is over 60 years old and as it's original electrics, we should have expected this i suppose. Now the whole of downstairs needs re-wiring!

So, what started as one day spent up here has been several. What's the problem right? Sitting around eating their food, drinking tea, enjoying the Sky+ HD with surround sound and abusing the wi-fi. Sound ideal? Well it's not!

It's freezing for starters. The gas heaters won't spark up without the electric being on. At least i had the tv and internet for that 1st day. Since then it has been one massive pain in the backside.

Yesterday, my partner borrowed the car so i had to walk all the way up here. It isn't that far but is all up hill for goodness' sake! I make it here and find I'm relegated upstairs because the plasterers have taken over downstairs.
Trying to watch the cricket in my parents' room was rubbish on their tiny tbd. But at least i could watch sky though. It was going without tea that hacked me off! Cups of tea are essential to my well-being and not having access to the kitchen was horrendous. It was like a form of torture knowing there were teabags down there and not being able to reach them.

Maybe i am being slightly dramatic but depriving me of my luxuries was not part of the deal! Today's debacle goes beyond even that. The electric is now completely disconnected downstairs. Of course i liberated the kettle so that i could partake of a soothing hot beverage but still.

No power equals no sky, no wi-fi, nothing. It's a technological wilderness!!!!! The network coverage on my phone is appalling in this house so i have no clue if my tweets have posted. I have no idea what happened in the rugby or anything else since i have no tv. To top it all off, my 8 year old daughter needs entertaining!

Here i sit, after hours of playing Frustration and Simpsons monopoly, writing with a pen and paper. Yes, i know, i had forgotten they existed too!
If me and the littlun survive our day trip back to the dark ages this will be posted to my blog. If not, it means we have died of boredom and despair!!

P.S. I now have a profound understanding of the Blackberry users plight when they lost BBM. I need to tweet dammit!

Schindler's List

How many people even knew who Oskar Schindler was before seeing this film? I had absolutely no idea! By now i must have seen it a hundred times, but still have to watch whenever it's on. Anyone who doesn't tear up at some point during must be seriously cold-hearted.
To be truthful, it does not sound right to say that you love a film like this due, in the most part, to the subject matter. Well made? Expertly directed? Amazingly produced? In my opinion, all three!

Under normal circumstances, i find black and white films difficult to watch but, in this case, it works perfectly. The only colour is the red coat worn by a little girl. There is a poignant moment later in the film when Oskar sees her body amongst all the other dead. The very last scene of the film is also in colour. The remaining Schindler Jews and their families place stones on his grave. It never fails to bring a lump to my throat.

Ralph Fiennes is brilliant. That goes without saying. He plays SS lieutenant Amon Goeth who performs numerous atrocities during the film.
Ben Kingsley as Itzhak Stern, the Jewish accountant, is inspired!
Casting Liam Neeson in the lead role is genius. He has the most genuine and expressive faces, if that makes sense?

In my opinion, when Schindler sets out he is only thinking of how he can profit from the war. Being a member of the Nazi party makes good business sense. He employs Stern as he actually has no clue how to run a factory. Even at the outset he is not a bad boss.

It is the end of the 'ghetto' that opens his eyes and witnessing the murder of those deemed incapable of work starts to change him. Profit is no longer the motivating factor in his business venture.

He employs as many Jews as possible in order to protect them from the concentration camps and execution. However, orders are made for all remaining Jews in Poland to be sent to Auschwitz. Schindler was not a saint, by any means, and initially plans to cut his losses and return home. Thankfully, his conscience kicks in!

Oskar spent his entire fortune bribing Goeth to allow each of his workers to work for him in his home town. Once there they were no longer subject to the 'Final Solution' underway in Poland. This list of workers' names, compiled with Stern, is "Schindler's List".

His factory never made any artillery shells that could be used in combat. What was left of his money was used to purchase them from other factories to avoid being shut down. Clearly, by this time, he has no interest in profiting from the war at all and ends up bankrupt.

However, his freedom was reliant on his Nazi membership and as a result he was forced to flee when Germany surrendered. Yes, he saved the lives of many but they were technically slave labour. As a Nazi business man he became a criminal.

The part that gets me is that his employees give him a letter and a ring, made of gold teeth, engraved with -

"Whoever saves one life saves the entire world".

This is so true in this case. Schindler knows that if he had sold more assets he could have saved more lives. The fact that his car alone would have paid for 10 more workers shames him.

At this point i am blubbing away like a crazy person every time. It was years before i realised that the man who puts the roses on the grave at the end is Liam Neeson. To be fair, though, you can't actually see his face.

The brilliance of the film, and the story itself, aside i have always been interested in the events of World War II. My Nan, on Dad's side, worked in a munitions factory in the Midlands during the war. Her parents were Polish. If they hadn't relocated to England, would they hadn't have been caught up in the madness?
Thankfully, i'll never know. This is a part of history that should never be forgotten. There's a lesson to be learnt. What Oskar Schindler did was a drop in the ocean but, years on, how many people are alive today as a result?

Even the smallest act of kindness or selflessness could have profound implications in the future. You just never know.

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part IV: Camelot

So I'm on to the individual authors that i like and decided to start here with Bernard Cornwell. I should point out that i am not hugely into all of his books. Those written about Arthur and Merlin etc are wonderful though.
Definitely highly recommended by myself.

Funnily enough, i had dragged my partner into the library with me and annoyed him no end, when i couldn't make a decision. It came as a massive surprise when he told me he had read these books and that i might like them. Not once, in the 10 years I've known him, have i ever seen him pick up a book, let alone read one! He was dead right though.

The Warlord Chronicles ( The Winter King, Enemy of God and Excalibur) are a trilogy written by the fictional Dervel for his Queen. So the story is told from a third person's perspective. Initially i was dubious but soon enough i was hooked. Once i am engrossed i feel compelled to continue until the very end. This was the case here.

Naturally, i was already familiar with the tale of Arthur and his knights etc but the way Bernard Cornwell tells it is utterly unique. He keeps the sorcery and myth but also adds realism, that is absent in the work of other authors. The battles and daily hardships are portrayed in all their brutal and graphic glory!
The characters appear real which allows the reader to buy into the mysticism also. On occasion i had to remind myself that these novels are works of fiction, not historic fact! The old style language is not to everyone's taste, i realise, although i stopped even noticing after a while. They're that good!

Almost completely the opposite are the 5 novels in The Pendragon Cycle, written by Stephen Lawhead ( Taliesin, Merlin, Arthur, Pendragon and Grail). Whilst these also tell the whole Camelot story, they are very very different. He begins his tale with Atlantis and ends long after Arthur's demise.

In some ways his books are better as they provide more background and details of what followed the life of mythical King Arthur. In other ways it made sticking with the story difficult for me. To be honest it was the Arthurian legend that was captivating, not the rest.

Whilst Cornwell's writing is honest and un-sugarcoated, Lawhead's is magical and fantastic. His portrayal is far more typical of the Camelot stories i had heard previously. Not that this is a bad thing, by any means.

For a harsh depiction of the well known saga, Cornwell delivers. But, myth and magic also have their place if your imagination can carry them. In this, Lawhead excels.

Also by Bernard Cornwell -
the Sharpe novels
the Starbuck chronicles
the Grail Quest novels
the Saxon stories
the Thrillers

Stephen Lawhead -
Dragon King trilogy
Empyrion saga
The Song of Albion
The Celtic Crusades
King Raven trilogy
Hero
Bright Empires

Yes, I Have Read That Many Books! - Part III: The Library

Throughout my life i have loved the library. Of course, it has grown bigger and the volume of books has increased over the years. However, now that i have an ebook reader, i don't bother going down there at all. This is actually very sad because without it i would have missed out on numerous wonderful authors. Since i am also a really fast reader, i practically lived down there!

It was a special place to me as it gave me the freedom to discover what i was interested in.
The members of my immediate family all have very different tastes from me and, i can honestly say, i have never been tempted to borrow a book from them!

My Dad's reading material is all on the subject of Angling or Ireland. Literally, that is it, no fiction whatsoever! Mom, on the other hand, reads romantic mush like Mills&Boone. Each to their own i say but i can't be bothered with them. A story needs to be able to make me think and keep me enthralled. These do neither. Boredom sets in fairly early on and i give up.
One of the funniest things ever was being accused of borrowing mom's books and not putting them back. It turned out it was my older brother. He believed they would tell him how to get women! To be perfectly honest i was more shocked that he knew what a book was. Previously, i had only ever seen him read the football news and scores on teletext!!

My younger brother is lovely but his choice of reading material is incredibly random. Mostly, he is online reading or writing fanfiction (whatever that is!) and all his books are Star Trek and things like that. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, but, since i am not a fan, they don't appeal to me.

It's not even worth considering my little sister's books as she is a typical teenage girl. Books about One Direction and JLS aren't aimed at my demographic at all. All her other books just make me laugh. Sadly, i am way past the age when the right hair, clothes and make-up were important. Whether boys 'like' me is not a serious issue!

So, there i was at the library, rapidly getting through all the Stephen King they had. I wanted to branch out and there was so much choice!

Best get started! :)

Harry and Jack

The world has said 'goodbye' to two very special boys in the past week. It didn't seem right to let it pass without saying a few words about them, and how they touched our lives.

Through regular twitter updates we shared their journeys. From the highs of Jack's cheeky smiles, to the low of Harry's coma. Many of us felt like we actually got to know them both, despite never never either in person. Losing them was a big blow, so i can't begin to imagine how distraught their loved ones must be right now.

11 and 6 are no ages to be taken, but we must not dwell on what has been lost, rather focus on what we gained from them. The boys and their families have shown such strength, it never ceased to inspire others. If they can smile through the hard times then so can we!

They campaigned for awareness and raised money for charity. A cure may not be found this week, this year or even in the next 10 years, but it WILL happen. When it does, we can look back and say that they helped to achieve that.
It's too late for Jack and Harry but they have funded another step towards something that will make a difference to millions. How many of us can say that?!

They taught us to fight for what we want and to never give up, no matter how much easier it would be. They showed us that we should make the most of our time because it runs out all too soon.

So, if you have the opportunity to spend time with the ones you love, do it! If your children want to go to the park, read a book or play games, do it! Never turn down the chance to make memories.

Most of us cannot hope to make the impact that Jack and Harry did, but we can all do our part. The legacy they leave us is to live life to it's fullest and strive to be better people. Do as much as you can to help others and cherish those closest to you.

Jack,
Harry,

You were amazing! Thankyou.

(Continue their good work@harry_moseley and @Jack_Marshall_)